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Post by g.b.b on Jun 24, 2005 9:58:55 GMT 8
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I am actually 47." Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds
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Post by polpan on Jun 24, 2005 12:44:49 GMT 8
===
BUNYE: I have the authentic tape! Theirs is the doctored sister! PAGUIA: My tape is the older sister of Bunye’s tape! ONG: I have the mother of all tapes! WYCOCO: I have the mother of all mother tapes! PING: I have the Grandmother of all those mother tapes you fool! ERAP: Anak ng jueteng! All I have is the Querida with me, I mean the stepmother of the grandmother of all those mother tapes!!! But the Querida always knows more, ask Julie Yap! RAMOS: I have the real mother of all grandmother tapes!!! hehehe! CARDINAL SIN: I have the Mother Superior tape with me, and you can bet it’s the virgin version! ATE GLOW: You fools! I am the surrogate mother to all those tapes! Sorry, all those wiretapped materials are just phone rehearsals for my upcoming movie with Eddie Garci entitled “Lagot ka, lagot ka! The Movie!” And yes, we leaked the tape as a publicity stunt. Thanks for all the publicity.
===
Gloria’s prayer: gambling lords, who art in jueteng hakot be thy name thy kickback come, thy wealth be done in Malacañang as it is in Pampanga. Amin iyan!
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Reporter: Madam president what can you say about the allegations of Sandra Cam and Samuel Ong? PGMA: Oh cam ong! Do you really believe them?
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GMA: “Lord, you put me here, please help me.” Lord’s reply: “Wrong number! This is the good Lord…try your jueteng lords. Maybe they can help you!”
=== Ano ang favorite songs ng Arroyo family? "Jueteng" in Vain by Bob Marley "Jueteng" for Tonight by J-Lo Right Here "Jueteng" for You by Richard Marx
===
civil war na lang...
;D
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Post by allegra on Jun 28, 2005 13:54:32 GMT 8
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would!
We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars..............
but Realistically,......... we're living with two $lut$ and a Queer."
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Post by Ben Dover on Jun 29, 2005 11:46:17 GMT 8
As seen on tombstones... Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903-Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was. In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist All dressed up and no place to go. In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace: The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna. In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon me for not rising. In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake. In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays The Kid. We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger But slow on the draw. A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange. John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: Reader, if cash thou art In want of any, Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny. In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune. On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod. Pease shelled out and went to God. In a cemetery in England: Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I. As I am now, you soon will be. Prepare yourself and follow me. To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To follow you I'll not consent Until I know which way you went From Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona: Here lies Lester Moore One slug from a 44 No Les No More
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Post by g.b.b on Jul 4, 2005 7:25:47 GMT 8
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
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Post by g.b.b on Jul 4, 2005 7:35:45 GMT 8
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works, even the urinal's are gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone."Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"
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Post by g.b.b on Jul 4, 2005 7:43:27 GMT 8
learn chinese in 15 mins:
1) That's not right .................................... Sum Ting Wong 2) Are you harboring a fugitive?............. Hu Yu Hai ding 3) See me ASAP..................................... Kum Hia Nao 4) Stupid Man .......................................... Dum Fuk 5) Small Horse ........................................ Tai Ni Po Ni 6) Did you go to the beach? .................. Wai Yu So Tan 7) I bumped into a coffee table ..............Ai Bang Mai Fa kin Ni 8) I think you need a face lift ...................Chin Tu Fat 9) It's very dark in here ............................Wao So Dim 10) I thought you were on a diet .............Wai Yu Mun Ching? 11) This is a tow away zone ...................No Pah King 12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ....Wai Yu Kum Nao? 13) Staying out of sight .......................... Lei Ying Lo 14) Censored................................ ..........No Si No Gud 15) He's cleaning his automobile ......... Wa Shing Ka 16) Your body odor is offensive ............ Yu Stin Ki Pu 17) Great ................................................. Fa Kin Su Pah 18) I want you.......................................... Mi So Ho Ni
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Post by g.b.b on Jul 4, 2005 7:48:57 GMT 8
Store Policy
MAN: I'd like to buy some dog food. CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog? MAN: Yes. CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he? MAN: He's at home. CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.
The next day, the man returns. MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food. CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat? MAN: Yes. CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he? MAN: He's at home! CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.
The next day the man returns. CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack? MAN: Put your hand inside. CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it? MAN: I would like to buy some toilet paper
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Post by g.b.b on Jul 4, 2005 7:50:17 GMT 8
The Perfect Husband
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.
Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
(H - Husband, W - Wife)
H - "Hello?" W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" H - "Yes." W -"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" H -"What's the price?" W - "Only $1,000." H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much...
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2003 models.I saw one I really liked. Its a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price . and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year.. H - "What price did he quote you?" W - "Only $65,000..." H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else... H -"What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool English garden, acre of park area, beach front property." H - "How much are they asking?" W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"
W - "OK,sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! Miss You!!!"
H - "Bye....Miss You too."
The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks "Does anyone know who this Cellphone belongs to???"
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Post by Freeman on Jul 4, 2005 16:35:38 GMT 8
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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Post by ronald on Jul 5, 2005 14:46:02 GMT 8
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender: 'Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. SECOND, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. THIRD, there's a woman up-stairs who's ever had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her.
Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, 'Wherez zat teeqeelah?' He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. 'Now' he says 'Where's that woman with the sore tooth?'
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д£εЌ§
All-Mountain Rider
"what we ride is life"
Posts: 159
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Post by д£εЌ§ on Jul 14, 2005 14:46:06 GMT 8
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said, "you can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home".
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. And said: "This gun was loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair".
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Post by allegra on Jul 14, 2005 22:51:23 GMT 8
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
"What was that for?"
"What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it"
"Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife is satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
"What was that for this time?"
"Your horse phoned!"
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Post by sabretooth on Jul 28, 2005 11:29:08 GMT 8
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
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Post by sabretooth on Jul 28, 2005 11:37:53 GMT 8
Once upon a time there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The Moral Of The Story 1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. 2) Everyone who gets you out of the shite is not necessarily your friend. 3) And if you're warm and happy in a pile of shite, keep your mouth shut.
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Post by sabretooth on Jul 28, 2005 11:43:22 GMT 8
A man named Ryan went with his girlfriend (Mary) to go meet her parents. Her father wasn't home but her mother was. They had an English Foxhound named Jake. He was a very friendly dog. They sat down on the couch. Jake sat in front of Ryan. They got to talking. Mary's mother seemed to like him. Well, for lunch, he had mexican. He had a major gassy problem. He let a small one slip. "Jake!" Mary's mother yelled. Ryan was confused. Did she not know it was me? He felt pretty good. He let another one slip, a little bit bigger this time. "Jake!!!" Mary's mother yelled again. Ryan felt that if he just let one more go, his stomach would feel better. So he did. It was very loud. Then Mary's mother yelled, "Jake! Move before he shite's on you!!!"
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Post by sabretooth on Jul 28, 2005 11:44:52 GMT 8
a vampire bat flies into a cave one night with fresh blood all over him. all o0f the other bats were asking where he had been feeding. he4 tried to ignore them but they kept nagging him about it all night long. so he finally says if you really want to know,then follow me. they all flew out of the cave. finally,he flew up to a tree,slowed down and said see that tree? all of the other bats happily said excellent,excellent! then he said good,because i sure as hell didn't!
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Post by sabretooth on Jul 28, 2005 11:54:11 GMT 8
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,
"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."
Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".
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Post by sabretooth on Jul 28, 2005 11:59:16 GMT 8
A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and methodically says, in a deep and powerful bass voice, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch private, 3-pound left testicle, 3-pound right testicle...Turner Brown."
The diminutive white man faints immediately and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you, man?"
In a weak, trembling voice, the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me, sir?"
The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds,my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?! Oh, Thank God! I thought you said "Turn around!"
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Post by sabretooth on Jul 28, 2005 16:59:20 GMT 8
One day a man wakes up and finds himself in hell. The guy is scared. He comes across a demon. The demon says "whats wrong?" the man answers "im in hell!". so the demon says dont be scared hell isnt so bad, are you a smoker?" he answers "yes" the demon says "then your gonna love mondays, thats all we do is smoke cigars and cigarettes.if you get cancer, well your dead anyways! you like to drink?" the man says "are you kidding? i love to drink!" the demon says, "your gonna love tuesdays. you gamble?" the man says "yes!" the demon then says "thats all we do on wedsday. craps,slots,poker,blackjack. you like drugs?" yes i love drugs...wait you dont mean..." the demon says "yep thursday is drug day smoke some dope crack or smack, if you get sick well who cares? your dead!," the demon then asks "you gay?" the man says "HELL NO" the demon then says "OoOoOoH your gonna HATE fridays!"
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Post by g.b.b on Jul 29, 2005 8:17:54 GMT 8
nice jokes sabertooth!! ;D
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Post by sabretooth on Jul 30, 2005 12:02:10 GMT 8
On the first day God created the cow.
God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog.
God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey.
God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man.
God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what. I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back, and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Life has now been explained. What would you do with out me?
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Post by g.b.b on Aug 2, 2005 11:37:13 GMT 8
At bedtime, the amorous husband prepared two aspirins and a glass of water for his wife.
"What is this for?"
"For you headache, dear."
"But I don't have a headache."
"Good."
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Post by g.b.b on Aug 2, 2005 11:39:50 GMT 8
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
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Post by g.b.b on Aug 2, 2005 11:40:49 GMT 8
There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."
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Post by g.b.b on Aug 2, 2005 11:41:36 GMT 8
A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside. A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?"
"For how much?" asks the man.
"One hundred dollars."
"I'll give you five bucks."
The girl spits at him and walks away. A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. On the first corner they come to there is the same hooker. She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "You see? You see what you get for five bucks?"
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Post by g.b.b on Aug 2, 2005 11:42:04 GMT 8
My Funny Valentine
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
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Post by g.b.b on Aug 2, 2005 11:42:44 GMT 8
Who are you talking about?
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your Pa in there."
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Post by g.b.b on Aug 2, 2005 11:44:28 GMT 8
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shite again."
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Post by g.b.b on Aug 2, 2005 12:00:15 GMT 8
Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbot (a typical call center scene). . . .
Abbot: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? Costello: Thanks.I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. Abbot: Mac? Costello: No, the name's Lou. Abbot: Your computer? Costello: I don't own a computer.I want to buy one. Abbot: Mac? Costello: I told you, my name's Lou. Abbot: What about Windows? Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? Abbot: Do you want a computer with Windows? Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? Abbot: Wallpaper. Costello: Never mind the windows.I need a computer and software. Abbot: Software for Windows? Costello: No. On the computer!I need something I can use to write proposals,track expenses and run my business. What have you got? Abbot: Office. Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? Abbot: I just did. Costello: You just did what? Abbot: Recommend something. Costello: You recommended something? Abbot: Yes. Costello: For my office? Abbot: Yes. Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office? Abbot: Office. Costello: Yes, for my office! Abbot: I recommend Office with Windows. Costello: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? Abbot: Word. Costello: What word? Abbot: Word in Office. Costello: The only word in office is office. Abbot: The Word in Office for Windows. Costello: Which word in office for windows? Abbot: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". Costello: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? Abbot: Yes, you want Real One. Costello: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! Abbot: Real One. Costello: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them? Abbot: Of course. Costello: Great! With what? Abbot: Real One. Costello: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? Abbot: You click the blue "1". Costello: I click the blue one what? Abbot: The blue "1". Costello: Is that different from the blue w? Abbot: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word. Costello: What word? Abbot: The Word in Office for Windows. Costello: But there's three words in "office for windows"! Abbot: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world. Costello: It is? Abbot: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there. Costello: And that word is real one? Abbot: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office. Costello: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? Abbot: Money. Costello: That's right. What do you have? Abbot: Money. Costello: I need money to track my money? Abbot: It comes bundled with your computer Costello: What's bundled with my computer? Abbot: Money. Costello: Money comes with my computer? Abbot: Yes. No extra charge. Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? Abbot: One copy. Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money? Abbot: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money. Costello: They can give you a license to copy money? Abbot: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A few days later . . Abbot: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? Costello: How do I turn my computer off? Abbot: Click on "Start"..........
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