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Post by g.b.b on May 23, 2005 5:16:06 GMT 8
Man: Doc, howcan ilive to be 100 yrs old? DOC: do you drink or smoke? Man: No! DOC: do you gamble or fool around with women? Man: Never! DOC: Then what's the point to live up to 100? ======================================= Erap: (crying) Tumawag ang doktor... Mom's dead! Zamora: Condolence, sir. (After 2 minutes, Zamora hears Erap crying even louder) Zamora: What's wrong now? Erap: My sister just called. Her mom died too! ======================================= Reporter: Mr. President, how was your visit to Australia? Erap: Well, it was nice. I saw many dangaroos. Reporter: Sir, you mean, kangaroos? Erap: No! Dangaroos! It was written: "Beware, these animals are dangaroos(dangerous)!"
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Post by rocky on May 23, 2005 6:07:37 GMT 8
Goodboybrionne Sir:
Ang galing! Your Jokes of the Day really made my day...rather Our day...today being a Monday.
Sayang. Sana dehins ka nahiya and you approached and joined PinoyMTBiker tent at the Sabak last Saturday. If you have these wealth of Jokes hidden under your stash, you will be an instant HIT. Just like with several other Characters PinoyMTBiker is notorious for - boozing it up and partying - celebrating mountain biking under that tent.
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Post by g.b.b on May 23, 2005 6:21:51 GMT 8
OT:kaya nga eh...pero next time il approach you guys. maybe this week il be joining a night ride. i already met some members at critical mass ride ;D
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Post by g.b.b on May 23, 2005 7:25:39 GMT 8
another set ;D Erap looked at the librarian and said: This is the most boring book I've ever read. It has no plot, yet so many characters. Librarian: Excuse Sir, that is a telephone directory. ========================================The Seven Dwarfs went to the Vatican, and got ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey led the pack.
"Dopey, my son," said the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asked, "Excuse me, Your Eminence, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question, thought for a moment and answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background the dwarfs started giggling.
Dopey turned around and gave them a fiery stare, silencing them.
Dopey turned back to the Pope. "Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled again, answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."
This time, all the dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turned around and silenced them all with an angry stare.
Dopey turned back to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"
The Pope answered, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapsed into a heap, rolling and laughing, tears running down their cheeks as they began chanting: "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"
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Post by Ben Dover on May 23, 2005 7:51:06 GMT 8
bwhahah!...i think you're not so good a boy brione. ;o)
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Post by rocky on May 23, 2005 8:03:25 GMT 8
bwhahah!...i think you're not so good a boy brione. ;o) As I sensed thru with goodboybrionne sa welcome aboard greetings ko sa kaniya, he is not so good a boy brionne as he packaged himself to be. Rather, I was quick to the draw and christened him "Badboyhombre"! Ask him? Pumayag naman siya and took the handlename change in stride We need your kind badly to join us -goodboybrionne. Quick. Approach us and introduce yourself in person ASAP.
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Post by g.b.b on May 23, 2005 8:12:02 GMT 8
thanks guys! as soon as you have trails and night ride i'll surely join the group! (dopey screwed a penguin!!! hehehe)
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Post by g.b.b on May 23, 2005 10:33:09 GMT 8
My friend lives in Taal (small town in Batangas) where trees and highland areas mostly surround it. One evening he went to town (Batangas City)for a movie with his friends. He was having a lot fun before he realized it was getting very late. He quickly made his way home. It was unusually dark and creepy that night.
As he was walking, he was astonished to find an old, creepy-looking street peddler selling some books along the road. It gave him the shivers when he noticed this pale old person staring at him. The old person said, "Son, why do not you get a book ... it will keep you company". My friend acted brave and thought why not. He had a look at the old man's collection ....his hair began to rise up on end when he noticed all the books were related to the supernatural. Nonetheless, he found one that was very interesting so he asked the old man, "How much is this, Uncle?" The old person replied, "Well son ... that's an interesting book...its PhP500." My friend was shocked and said "But ... but ... that's so expensive... "The old man said nothing but glared at my friend which freaked him out. He quickly rummaged through his pockets and found PhP 450. "T-t-this's all I have" he said.
The old guy replied, "It's okay, son ....you can have the book for that price."
As my friend hastily paid for it and made a dash for home, the old man called out to him and said, "Son ... whatever happens, don't you ever flip the book to it's last page ... remember these words ...or you will regret it!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Reaching home, he quickly asked his parents, "Dad ... mom...are there any new booksellers nearby ?" "Not that we know of ... but we've heard of a creepy old man that appears only at night during a full moon and then disappears just as mysteriously. Nobody knows who he is, or where he comes from but many have become victims in his wake... why son?"
"N-nothing ...just asking", said my friend and ran straight to his room. Nervously, he opened the book and began reading, all the time remembering the warning the old man had given him. But after a while, he grew tired and fell asleep.
At midnight, as he was sound asleep in bed, a cold gush of wind blew in through his bedroom window which startled him and sent chills down his spine. He looked at his table and noticed the wind had blown the pages of the book to its last page!!!!! For awhile, he laid in bed - frozen in fear, but soon curiosity got the better of him. He had to know what was on the last page. Slowly he got out of bed and carefully picked up the book. As he glimpsed at the last page, he let out a blood-curling scream and fainted ...
This is what he read on the last page:
Scroll down
Retail Price : PhP 50.00 Promotional Price : PhP 25.00 ====================================================== ELEVATOR!
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" "Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then." ====================================================== Wanted Ad "HUSBAND WANTED,------ > > PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON." A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON." On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I" ====================================================== 20 Types You Meet in the Men's Room
1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts. 2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not. 3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed. 4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later. 5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink. 6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor. 7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection. 8) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs. 9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants. 10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble. 11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed. 12) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand. 13) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants. 14) Tough -- Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry. 15) Efficient -- Waits until he has to @#$% and does both. 16) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower. 17) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns. 18) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants. 19) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away. 20) Conceited -- Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat. ======================================== Genie
Two guys are fishing when one of them catches a fish. He brings it in the boat and as he cuts it open to clean it, a genie pops out and says, "Thanks for freeing me I will grant you one wish" The fisherman looks around and says, "well we are almost out of beer, how about you turn this whole d@mn lake into beer". *POOF* the jenie grants his wish and leaves. His partner slaps him on the chest and says, "What the hell did you do that for, now we have to piss in the boat!!"
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Post by sabretooth on May 23, 2005 11:37:07 GMT 8
keep it coming!
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Post by g.b.b on May 23, 2005 12:15:09 GMT 8
Kana: F*ck you! Pinoy: F*ck you too! (Husband arrives) Husband: Whatseems to be the problem? Pinoy: Your wife F*cked me first so I f*cked her too. =========================================== SPERM and MAYONAISE have a lot in common: First, both are spreadable; Secondly, both are rich in protein; third, both came from eggs at syempre... Both are LADY'S CHOICE!!! =========================================== In a grade 4 class: Girl: Ma'am, can a 30 year old woman bear a child? Teacher: Yes Girl: a 20 year old lady? Teacher: Yes. Girl: a 10 year old? Teacher: No! boy nudged girl and said, "See I told you not ot worry!" ========================================== Lottery Winner A woman comes rushing home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags, I've won the lottery!".
"Wow! That's great!" he says, "Should I pack for the ocean or the mountains?"
"I don't care!" she says . . . "Just get the heck out!" ========================================== Speeding... A lespu officer pulls a guy over for speeding and they have the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DWI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by lespu, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding, too
==================================================
Ring-Ring,
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is daddy," ... "Is your mommy near the phone?"
"No, daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"
After a brief pause, daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then...here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to mommy and Uncle Frank that daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my God!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
***long pause***
Then daddy says, "Swimming pool??? Is this 328-9874?"
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Post by g.b.b on May 24, 2005 7:21:56 GMT 8
Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders.
He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. the chief then rips the explorers pants off and f*cks him in the ass.
The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The chief rips the second guys pants off and f*cks him in the ass.
The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Booka?" Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death.
The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY BOOKA!"
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Post by sabretooth on May 24, 2005 8:16:34 GMT 8
that was all funny goodboy. and the green jokes are all darn funny too. but, uhm...don't you think some people here might not think these kinds of jokes are funny? me i have no problem with that. but y'know, other people might think its offensive...or something like that.
well if you have some really offensive and green stuff, you can pm those to me. hehe.
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Post by sabretooth on May 24, 2005 9:23:01 GMT 8
nyahaha. that was a good one!!!!
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Post by basti on May 24, 2005 9:41:52 GMT 8
nice jokes! can't help but laugh... almost fell on my seat.... ;D ;D ;D
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Post by g.b.b on May 24, 2005 10:52:11 GMT 8
The Escaped Convict
A MAN ESCAPES FROM PRISON WHERE HE HAS BEEN FOR 15 YEARS. HE BREAKS INTO A HOUSE TO LOOK FOR MONEY AND GUNS AND FINDS A YOUNG COUPLE IN BED. HE ORDERS THE GUY OUT OF BED AND TIES HIM TO A CHAIR. WHILE TYING THE GIRL TO THE BED HE GETS ON TOP OF HER, KISSES HER NECK, THEN GETS UP AND GOES INTO THE BATHROOM.
WHILE HE'S IN THERE, THE HUSBAND TELLS HIS WIFE: "LISTEN, THIS GUY'S AN ESCAPED CONVICT, LOOK AT HIS CLOTHES! HE PROBABLY SPENT LOTS OF TIME IN JAIL AND HASN'T SEEN A WOMAN IN YEARS. I SAW HOW HE KISSED YOUR NECK."
"IF HE WANTS SEX, DON'T RESIST, DON'T COMPLAIN, DO WHATEVER HE TELLS YOU. SATISFY HIM NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE NAUSEATES YOU. THIS GUY IS PROBABLY VERY DANGEROUS. IF HE GETS ANGRY, HE'LL KILL US. BE STRONG, HONEY. I LOVE YOU"
TO WHICH THE WIFE RESPONDS: "HE WASN'T KISSING MY NECK. HE WAS WHISPERING IN MY EAR. HE TOLD ME HE WAS GAY, THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE, AND ASKED IF WE HAD ANY VASELINE. I TOLD HIM IT WAS IN THE BATHROOM. BE STRONG HONEY. I LOVE YOU TOO!!"
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Post by basti on May 24, 2005 11:35:09 GMT 8
here's my contribution.... Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "dehins sya nagpakamatay noh! Pinatutuyo ko lang yun!"
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Post by g.b.b on May 26, 2005 10:13:00 GMT 8
He: Do you wanna dance? She: Yeah but not with you! He: You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!
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Post by g.b.b on May 26, 2005 10:14:43 GMT 8
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the Jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
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Post by gabe1215 on May 26, 2005 11:45:34 GMT 8
goodboybrionne, you're the man! where did you get all these jokes! loved them especially the one about the "penguins".
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Post by g.b.b on May 26, 2005 11:57:52 GMT 8
another forum site.. computer forum site sir gabe1215 ;D tnx.. more to come dont worry!! ;D
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Post by g.b.b on May 26, 2005 12:00:09 GMT 8
WORST NIGHTMARE
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "What should I do? Oh, I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife.
Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs.
He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"
She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother."
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Post by g.b.b on May 26, 2005 12:20:53 GMT 8
A young boy was f**king a dog when his mom entered the room..
Both stared at each other and not a word was said..
then the boy said, "Kesa naman magDrugs ako!"
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Post by g.b.b on May 28, 2005 9:15:45 GMT 8
A sick kid
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy is a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1 Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy.
Leroy ! knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2: Dear God This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy.
Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3: Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Leroy.
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.
LETTER 4: Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy.
Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's Mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 5: I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE. Signed, YOU KNOW WHO.
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Post by g.b.b on May 28, 2005 9:23:16 GMT 8
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.
"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
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Post by g.b.b on May 28, 2005 9:28:32 GMT 8
What's the difference between corruption in the USA and corruption inthe Philippines? In the US, they go to jail. In the Philippines, they go to US!
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Post by g.b.b on May 28, 2005 9:30:28 GMT 8
A little boy walked in on his parents having sex. He sees his mom bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says "Mommy, what are you doing?" She said, "Well, daddy's too fat so I thought I'd try to flatten him out." The boy replied, "Why bother, every Tuesday the maid comes over and blows him back up again!"
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Post by sabretooth on May 28, 2005 10:51:34 GMT 8
have you read the advisory about posting in english? not only did you post an entire article in filipino, it also contained all the local expletives i can think of. it was funny, though im thinking about the existence of this board above that.
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Post by g.b.b on May 28, 2005 12:05:36 GMT 8
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women? A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them
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Post by g.b.b on May 28, 2005 12:09:05 GMT 8
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my lawit and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my lawit I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my lawit out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his lawit with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
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Post by g.b.b on May 28, 2005 12:09:55 GMT 8
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks. "Yes," the woman says, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
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