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Post by g.b.b on Jun 2, 2005 20:35:29 GMT 8
i am starting to be (pa lang!!) ;D
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Post by g.b.b on Jun 3, 2005 4:05:21 GMT 8
S.A.T. TESTING
The following questions and answers were collated from the SAT tests given to 16-year-old students! Don't laugh too hard -- one of them could become president one day! You have to admit some are very creative.
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the ocean? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow toward the moon because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. s*x can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen). A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraption by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section" A. The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman Emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
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Post by g.b.b on Jun 3, 2005 4:07:17 GMT 8
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
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Post by xctofi on Jun 3, 2005 4:16:05 GMT 8
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Post by jr on Jun 3, 2005 5:49:23 GMT 8
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few thingamajingtails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop." ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by g.b.b on Jun 4, 2005 8:17:48 GMT 8
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None", replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you're thinking!"
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Post by allegra on Jun 5, 2005 18:51:58 GMT 8
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note : "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde" She gave the note to the little boy and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
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Post by g.b.b on Jun 6, 2005 5:27:00 GMT 8
Corporate Lesson #2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129 ?" Once again the priest apologized! . "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral: Always be well-informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
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Post by whoopi on Jun 6, 2005 15:09:15 GMT 8
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers." she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
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Post by marco80 on Jun 6, 2005 15:34:03 GMT 8
nice one miss whoopi. hehehe
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Post by Ben Dover on Jun 7, 2005 9:15:23 GMT 8
LET'S PRETEND
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married to each other."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f*cking blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
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Post by g.b.b on Jun 7, 2005 9:26:42 GMT 8
crazy couple
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Post by gabe1215 on Jun 7, 2005 11:28:25 GMT 8
LET'S PRETEND A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married to each other." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own f*cking blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted. hehehe...
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Post by alien_scream on Jun 7, 2005 11:32:05 GMT 8
nice one!!!!!!!!!
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Post by coolangot ☺ on Jun 7, 2005 20:33:03 GMT 8
bwahahaha! nice one!
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Post by Ben Dover on Jun 8, 2005 7:55:00 GMT 8
OOOOPPSSS!
The husband had just finished his book "Man of the house." He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!" I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
His wife replied, "The f ** ing funeral director."
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Post by konablack on Jun 8, 2005 8:02:50 GMT 8
I guess it was his last dinner hehehehe
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bandido
Free Rider
Stress Free
Posts: 290
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Post by bandido on Jun 8, 2005 10:18:03 GMT 8
let me share this.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
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Post by xctofi on Jun 10, 2005 4:42:51 GMT 8
nice one's sir arnold!!!
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Post by Ben Dover on Jun 10, 2005 14:12:45 GMT 8
MACHO SI TATANG!
After being examined, the 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that? The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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Post by sabretooth on Jun 10, 2005 20:05:01 GMT 8
Clem drove his pickup alongside the road and showed his buddy Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that there tree. I remember it plain as day. It was a warm summer day... We were madly in love... We made our way down to that the tree and made love for hours," explained Clem.
"That sounds amazing," exclaimed Jed.
"Yep, it was goin' real well until I looked up and saw her momma standing right there watching us..."
"d@mn, what did her momma say when she saw you puttin' it to her daughter?"
"Baaaaa..."
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Post by allegra on Jun 11, 2005 8:29:23 GMT 8
PG-13 and kinda long
A guy is not getting along with his wife. He thinks maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. He notices that it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud,
"Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot."
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird. "
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot lawit around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20 -- just make an offer."
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day he comes home from work and the parrot says,
"pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."
"What?" says the guy. "What?"
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"Oh No!" the guy says, "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down ..."
The parrot pauses for a long time.
"Then what... what happened next... WHAT HAPPENED?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the Parrot, "that's when I fell off my perch."
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Post by mountguitars on Jun 13, 2005 22:48:24 GMT 8
goodboy,
nice goin brad. i like the jokes. keep 'em coming, hehehe.
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Post by g.b.b on Jun 14, 2005 8:20:25 GMT 8
Mr. Jones is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mr. Jones is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.
Mrs. Jones is first.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you."
Mrs. Jones has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.
Next it is Mr. Jones' mother-in-law's turn.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you."
The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.
Then comes Mr. Jones himself.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"
"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."
"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."
The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"
"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."
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Post by Ben Dover on Jun 14, 2005 16:41:24 GMT 8
UNFORTUNATE MARINE
The train was very crowded, so the U.S. Marine walked the length of the train looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war-weary Marine asked, "please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The French lady looked down her nose at the Marine, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The Marine walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The Marine didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and yelled and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the Marine.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up. "You know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b-i-t-c-h out the window!"
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Post by milo on Jun 14, 2005 17:23:52 GMT 8
Hahahahaha, nice joke Tolits!!!!
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Post by whoopi on Jun 14, 2005 18:55:00 GMT 8
i guess little fifi was not a bull mastiff ;D
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Post by allegra on Jun 16, 2005 23:05:05 GMT 8
From: Thatscomedy.com
While on an official visit to Glasgow, Scotland, the Pope had become increasingly bored with being waited on hand and foot and transported from place to place.
One day, enough was enough for the pope, and he leaned over from the back of the limousine and tapped the chauffeur on the shoulder.
"Excuse me sir," said the Pope. "Would you mind if I got behind the wheel for a while and took this baby for a spin?" A little bemused and bewildered, the chauffeur agreed. After all, he was the Pope. The two men exchanged places and the Pope began to have the most fun he'd had in years.
The Pope began to take the limo faster and faster, until a cop car clocked him going 85 in a 40 mile an hour zone. Sirens wailing, the young policeman, also a devout Catholic, gave chase to the speeding limo.
Eventually the cop managed to pull the limo to the side of the road, and he got out of his car ready to do battle with the reckless speeder. The cop approached the window, tapped on the window and beckoned for the driver to roll the window down. With a startled gasp, the young cop jumped back on his heels and sped back to his patrol car to phone his supervisor.
"You'll never guess who I just pulled over," stammered the cop.
"Who?" was the inquisitive reply.
"This guy is big, very big," said the cop.
"The commissioner?" asked his supervisor.
"Bigger, much bigger"
"The Mayor?"
"Oh no, much, much bigger."
"Sean Connery?!" came the exasperated reply.
"No, no, no." said the cop.
"Then will you just bloody tell me who it is," screamed his boss.
"I don't have a clue," said the cop. "But the Pope is his bloody driver!!!!"
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Post by Ben Dover on Jun 17, 2005 15:12:50 GMT 8
GOOD MANNERS (Rated PG13)
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students, "Billy, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
"Just a minute, I have to go piss."
"That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you Bobby, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
"That's better," said the teacher, "but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine whom I hope you'll meet after dinner."
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Post by g.b.b on Jun 24, 2005 9:30:39 GMT 8
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
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