|
Post by g.b.b on Aug 2, 2005 12:01:23 GMT 8
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger?"
|
|
|
Post by g.b.b on Aug 2, 2005 12:02:34 GMT 8
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."
So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said the fellow.
"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"
|
|
|
Post by g.b.b on Aug 2, 2005 12:03:16 GMT 8
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, want to play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
|
|
|
Post by g.b.b on Aug 2, 2005 12:06:01 GMT 8
A little boy asked his mother: - Mummy, why are you white and I am black? - Don't even ask me that, when I remember that party..., you are lucky that you don't bark.
===
There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one. Two bats comment: - What happened to this one? - I don't know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.
===
In a restaurant, a man ordered soup but, as soon as it arrived, he had to go to the bathroom. To make sure that nobody touched his soup while he is away, he wrote on a napkin: "I spit in the soup".
When he returned, he found another message on napkin: "Me too!".
|
|
rab
Free Rider
Posts: 202
|
Post by rab on Aug 5, 2005 11:20:32 GMT 8
* Tech Support: "May I ask what operating system you are running today?" * Customer: "A computer."
A girl walked into the computer center where I work. She said she was having problems with her Mac. I asked what kind of Mac she had. In an indignant voice, she replied, "Duh, Intosh."
* Tech Support: "What operating system are you running? Windows 95?" * Customer: (a little too excited) "95, 97, 98, I've got them all!"
After conferring with her husband, it turned out she owned a Macintosh with System 8.1.
* Customer: "I don't use DOS. What would happen if I deleted that directory?"
One time I had to walk a Windows 95 user through a particular procedure.
* Me: "First you need to open DOS-prompt. I'll guide you--" * Customer: "MY COMPUTER DOES NOT HAVE DOS! YOU THINK I RUN THAT ANCIENT SOFTWARE?" (click)
* Friend: "Does Windows 98 support Linux?"
* Customer: "Do you sell Mac OS X for Windows?"
Overheard in a classroom:
* Student: "How much do Windows cost, and do you have to buy each one separately?"
* Customer: "How much do Windows cost?" * Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100." * Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"
* Friend: "Hey, cool Mac! Does it have Windows!?" * Me: (incredulous stare) * Friend: "Oh, wait, that was stupid. All Macs have Windows."
* Customer: (angrily) "You said I would get 98 windows with this computer. Where are they?"
[New!]
* Tech Support: "What version of Windows do you have installed?" * Customer: "... Double glazed."
A customer called in with modem problems.
* Tech Support: "Ok, we're going to check your modem settings. First thing we need to do is make sure all programs are closed." * Customer: "How do I know if everything is closed?" * Me: "Make sure all windows are closed." * Customer: "But...I'm in the basement. I don't have any windows here."
Lucky me, I made it to the the mute button in time!
I can't even count how many people I argue with about this, yet they insist there is an operating system call "Windows 95 NT."
One day I got a call toward the end of the day from a sales rep in Chicago who couldn't get his computer to boot up. We went round and round for about two hours -- nothing worked. I was ready to pull my hair out, but I don't like losing. To lighten the tension of the moment, I started chitchatting with him as we're waiting to see if the machine will restart. He has an IBM ThinkPad, and I told him how much I like mine.
* Him: "Yeah, they're ok, but I travel a lot, and I got tired of the darn thing being so heavy, so I installed Windows CE to make it lighter."
I was calling to sign up with a new DSL provider. When the guy asked what operating system I was using, I said, "Linux." I was put on hold for five minutes, and then a supervisor came back and told me, "You can't use Linux to connect to the Internet. It's a hacker tool, anyway." I almost fell out of my chair.
[New!]
In about 1993, Cambridge University had a few rooms of 486s, for use by members of the University. You could get into the rooms at any time of day if you had a key, and the site security would walk around every hour or so at night.
One policy, introduced after a few too many noisy games of network Doom, was that playing games wasn't allowed. One evening, however, I saw someone using eXceed (an X-Windows server for Microsoft Windows) to run Motif. Apparently he was doing something on one of the UNIX machines over the network. The security guard came up behind him, and the conversation went something like this:
* Security Guard: "Could you stop that -- you're not allowed to play games in here." * Student: "This isn't a game." * Security Guard: "You can't fool me. That's not work." * Student: "Yes, it is. I'm a computer science student -- I've got a deadline later this week." * Security Guard: "That doesn't look like work to me. I'm going to have to ask you to leave." * Student: "What? I'm working. I'm working quietly. Why do I have to leave?" * Security Guard: "You're playing a game, and you're lying to me. Out. Now. Before I turn this machine off."
Even the other two people in the room couldn't persuade the security bloke that it wasn't a game.
Overheard in a software shop:
* Woman #1: "What this Linux thing?" * Woman #2: "It's a program that if you have it on your computer, you can't turn the computer off." * Woman #1: "Oh."
Last year, the temp agency I was working for was arranging a contract for me, and some additional "computer skills" tests were necessary. The branch manager asked what kind of computer I was comfortable with. I said, "Windows PC," although I had used several others. She cut in right then and asked, "Word or Excel?"
* Customer: "I installed Windows 98 on my computer, and it doesn't work." * Tech Support: "Ok, what happens when you turn on your computer?" * Customer: "Boy, are you listening? I said it doesn't work." * Tech Support: "Well, what happens when you TRY to turn it on?" * Customer: "Look, I'm not a computer person. Talk regular English, not this computer talk, ok?" * Tech Support: "Ok, let's assume your computer is turned off, and you just sat down in front of it, and want to use it. What do you do?" * Customer: "Don't talk like I'm stupid, boy. I turn it on." * Tech Support: "And then what happens?" * Customer: "What do you mean?" * Tech Support: "Does anything appear on your monitor? I mean, the TV part." * Customer: "The same thing I saw last time I tried." * Tech Support: "And that is what?" * Customer: "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" * Tech Support: "Yes, sir. What is on your screen?" * Customer: "A bunch of little pictures." * Tech Support: "Ok, in the upper left corner, do you see 'My Computer'." * Customer: "No, all I see is that little red circle thing with the chunk out of it." * Tech Support: "You mean an apple?" * Customer: "I guess it kind of looks like an apple."
Then it took me fifteen minutes to convince him that he had a Mac. Even after showing him "About this Macintosh." I spent another fifteen minutes trying to convince him that Windows 98 wouldn't work on his Mac. He said it should work because Windows 98 is for PCs, and he had a PowerPC. I think he's still trying to get it to read that CD, because I never could convince him.
Two night forepersons at our company were discussing our new computer network after just having been to a brief orientation session. One of them wanted to know what "windows" were, so I explained. Just as she seemed to be catching on to the concept, the other foreperson piped up. "Well that's great, because we have ninety-five windows on there!"
* Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?" * Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside..."
* Co-Worker: "What version of DOS does UNIX run?"
* Tech Support: "How can I help you?" * Customer: "Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program that is not." * Tech Support: "What program is it?" * Customer: "It's called 'MSDOS Prompt'." * Tech Support: "What's wrong with it?" * Customer: "Well, I click on it, a black screen shows up with NOTHING but a sign that reads: 'C:\WINDOWS>', and it just sits there and doesn't do anything. I have to turn off the system to go back to Windows."
For my work-study job, I work tech support at a small college. One night I was working Help Desk and the phone rings. I pick it up to have a student telling me she can't get the computer to work.
* Me: "What operating system are you running?" * Student: "Hunh?" * Me: "Do you have a Mac or a PC?" * Student: "Um, I don't know." * Me: "Ok. What does the screen look like?" * Student: "It's yellow." * Me: "Ok. What does it say on the computer CPU?" * Student: "What's that?" * Me: "The big grey box." * Student: "It doesn't say anything." * Me: "Never mind that...do you have a little 'Start' button at the bottom of the monitor?" * Student: "Monitor?" * Me: "The thing that looks like a TV sceen sitting on the grey box." * Student: "Oh! That! No. No start button." * Me: "Ok. Is there a little apple symbol anywhere on the screen?" * Student: (very puzzled) "Why would I have fruit on my computer?"
Back in the early days of Windows 95:
* Customer: "I have Windows Thirty One." * Tech Support: "Ok, this program requires either Windows 95 or Win32s. Do you have Win32s on your system?" * Customer: "No, I have Windows Thirty One, not Thirty Two." * Tech Support: "Windows 3.1 is the operating system. Win32s is a program that makes your computer fast like Windows 95." * Customer: "What's Windows Ninety Five got to do with it?" * Tech Supprort: "You need either Windows 95 or Win32s to run this." * Customer: "I HAVE THIRTY ONE! WHY WON'T IT WORK?" * Tech Support: (giving up) "Ma'am, your computer is too old. Buy a new one with Windows 95." * Customer: "I've heard about Windows Three Hundred and Eleven. Wouldn't that be better than Ninety Five?"
My father decided that it would be a nice surprise to install Windows 95 on my seven year old computer. He had one of his employees give him step-by-step written instructions but neglected to mention that my computer is so old. When I got home he had Windows 95 installed and was struggling to install the first piece of software.
* My Dad: "It says there's insufficient disk space. How much stuff to you have on the hard drive?" * Me: "It was almost full. You shouldn't have been able to get Windows 95 on there." * My Dad: "Well, I just followed these instructions."
I looked at the instructions and saw that he had backed up everything and wiped the hard drive.
* Me: "If you followed these instruction properly, the only thing on the hard drive should be Windows 95. How much space does that take up?" * My Dad: "It doesn't take up any space. It's an operating system." * Me: "No, it takes up a lot of space, and it shouldn't even be able to fit on this computer." * My Dad: "No, you don't know what you're talking about. The problem is that you have too many files. You have to delete some of them." * Me: "You already deleted all my files. They're on that stack of disks now." * My Dad: "Yes, and those disks are taking up too much space."
A friend just got his new Aptiva/Win98 system and bought a bunch of software to go along with it. He installed everything, then complained that when he started his computer up, the screen was so cluttered he was having a hard time finding his desktop. I talked him through the process of making his desktop a more simple place by turning off fancy wallpaper, toolbars, and so on. He rebooted and said it was just as bad as it ever was. Sighing, I took a quick trip over to look at it.
Somewhat to my amazement, I discovered that every time the computer booted up, a half dozen or so program groups opened up on the desktop, and all sorts of programs were spilling their menu contents onto the screen. After some poking around, I discovered that he had installed everything -- everything -- into his StartUp folder.
I asked him why he installed all his programs in there. He said, "Well, I wanted to be sure they'd start up when I needed them, so...."
My father likes to delete things from the Windows System directory because he's convinced that's where the swap file lurks. I have to reinstall Windows 95 almost every day.
A friend of mine had an old system with a small hard drive and not much memory, so she continued to use Windows 3.1 rather than suffer under the strain of Windows 95/98.
She called me one day to help her because her computer will no longer run Windows. Past experience had taught me most of her computer problems were self-inflicted, so I asked her what she had done to the computer recently.
* Her: "Well, I needed more space from the hard drive so I could get more JPGs and WAVs from my friends on mIRC." * Me: "Ok, so what did you do?" * Her: "I just deleted all the blank files from my computer." * Me: "Blank files?" * Her: "Yes, blank files. I deleted tham all." * Me: "What exactly is a blank file?" * Her: "When you run File Manager, every file shows a picture. I just deleted all the ones with the blank page picture."
Say goodbye to every .DLL and unassociated file on her system. She was somewhat indignant when she found out she would have to find some Windows 3.1 install diskettes and reinstall every piece of software she wanted to use.
About two months ago, a client called in screaming profanities at me and demanding that I either give him a refund on his one year old system or send a technician out to repair it immediately. His problem was that the taskbar was on the right-hand side of his screen, and he couldn't get it back to the bottom.
A few days ago, a client called in wondering why he couldn't delete items off the Windows desktop. It was soon discovered that he'd already dragged Internet Explorer, MS Outlook, and a few other items off into the recycle bin, and was trying to delete 'My Computer' and 'Network Neighborhood.'
I saw two older looking ladies trying to figure out the computers at a local store. I knew one of them would say something that I could send to Computer Stupidities, so I tried to listen in.
* Woman 1: "What is that little trash can on the screen?" * Woman 2: "My son says that is call the 'recycle bin'. He tells me when I don't want a Word document anymore and I delete it, it really goes in there." * Woman 1: "Why in the recycle thingy? Can't you just erase it?" * Woman 2: "Oh no, Word wouldn't work for very long if I did that, I would run out of blank pages." * Woman 1: "Why?" * Woman 2: "Because it cleans the words off the pages, then sends the blank sheets back to Word so they can be used again. That's why it's called the recycle bin."
My coworker (who uses Windows 95) was having trouble downloading a self-extracting archive off the net. In an attempt to make it easier to open the file with WinZIP, he associated *.EXE with WinZIP.
Nothing worked after that. Every program he tried to run would load WinZIP first. He couldn't even run REGEDIT to delete the association.
He ultimately had to reinstall Windows 95 and all his programs.
From a Windows 95 user:
* Customer: "I think my computer doesn't know what it is doing." * Tech Support: (pause) "Why? What is the problem with the system?" * Customer: "Well, it keeps asking me, 'What is this?'"
* Customer: "I keep getting an error message whenever I try using the MSDOS mode in Windows 95." * Tech Support: "Can you describe what happens?" * Customer: "Well, I keep getting a black screen with an error message saying, 'C:\WINDOWS>'."
* Customer: "Something's wrong with my computer." * Tech Support: "Like what?" * Customer: "When I turn it on the screen goes all black." * Tech Support: "Totally black?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Does it say 'C:\>' in the corner?" * Customer: "Yes." * Tech Support: "Then it's not really all black, is it?" * Customer: "I guess not." * Tech Support: "Type 'win' and press the enter key."
I work at an office supply store. When Windows 98 came out, we had a sale on new computer systems. There were more than a few people who were completely taken in by buzzwords and had no idea what they were talking about. The worst case was a person who spent five or ten minutes looking through Windows Explorer, apparently trying to find something. Trying to make the sale, I stayed with her, helping her when necessary. Eventually, I asked to know what she was looking for. "I'm trying to run Windows 98," she said.
Read in a message board of a local BBS: "I try to avoid using Microsoft. That's why I use MS-DOS."
* Tech Support: "What software are you using to backup? * Customer: "Ms. Dos." (spoken like it was a person, like Mr. Dos or Mrs. Dos) * Tech Support: "What, are you just copying the files with the xcopy or copy command?" * Customer: "Oh, no I use Ms. Backup for that."
At least three people from our company have come to me panicked, almost crying. They all say, "I think I just erased a program!! Help!!" In reality, it turns out they just minimized the window. When I open it again, they gasp, "What did you DO?!?!?"
We maintain a 24 hour, 800 number call desk for our maintenance contract customers, a very expensive undertaking. Non-contract customers can call as well, but our per-call maintenance charge is $250/hour, with a minimum of three hours. If you only call us occasionally, it's a lot cheaper than a contract, but it's clearly designed to discourage trivial calls.
In 1996 a per-call customer called. "What does MSDOS stand for?" she asked. We told her. Her firm paid the $750 bill without demur.
One time a user was trying to clean up his hard drive. He saw a folder called "system" which took up lots of space but only had a few things in it. So he moved the fonts and sounds to a new location and deleted everything else.
One of our users, upon receiving his new computer, deleted most of the files in the system area. He said he didn't know what those files did, so he got rid of them. For some strange reason, the system refused to work properly afterward.
Had a user that called the other day, complaining that all her files were "garbage" and that I should take her computer back and fix them. It turned out she was looking at system files. She couldn't read the binary code and assumed, therefore, that the files were corrupted.
I was asked to fix Word Perfect once, when it had apparently "just quit working." They didn't know why, but it didn't take long for me to find the problem. They had cleaned up their hard drive by erasing all binary files because "they weren't readable."
One user -- a regular caller of ours -- got herself into some serious computer trouble when she set about cleaning up her system. She had been exploring the hard drive in the file manager and discovered hundreds of files in the Windows directory with all different file extensions. Being of an orderly mind, and with several hours of free time, she had created a TXT folder, a COM folder, a DLL folder, and so forth, and moved all the files into these subdirectories.
* Me: "You really should exit Windows before you shut down." * Friend: "Why?" * Me: "Well, otherwise you could end up with fragmented files and hard drive errors and that sort of thing." * Friend: "Oh well. Who cares about hard drive errors?"
* Customer: "My machine won't do anything." * Tech Support: "What's on the screen right now?" * Customer: "It's frozen, it's showing my Windows desktop." * Tech Support: "Try hitting Ctrl-Alt-Delete, tell me what happens." * Customer: (taptaptap) "Nothing." * Tech Support: "Did you hit all of them at once?" * Customer: "Umm...just a second." (taptaptap) "I did that time. Nothing happened." * Tech Support: "Try it again." * Customer: (taptaptap) "No, it's just sitting there." * Tech Support: "Move the mouse around. What happens?" * Customer: "Nothing, the arrow doesn't move." * Tech Support: "Ok, last try, hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete again." * Customer: "Still nothing." * Tech Support: "Hit your numlock key. Does the light flash?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Ok, you're going to have to shut your computer off. Just press the power button, wait for a couple of seconds, and turn it on again." * Customer: "I've heard that's bad for Windows." * Tech Support: "Um, well, you can't do anything else, right?" * Customer: "No." * Tech Support: "Well, you can't hurt it any worse then." * Customer: "But I've heard it's bad for Windows to just shut it off without shutting down first." * Tech Support: "Yes, but it's locked up. There's nothing else you can do." * Customer: "Will it hurt my Windows?" * Tech Support: "Probably no worse than it already was by locking up." * Customer: "Well...ok...but if it doesn't work, will you come over and fix it for me?"
There is a gradeschooler who lives in an apartment complex down the street for whom I built a 486 some time ago. It's running Windows 95, and I am forced to fix it for him constantly. One day he called me up and said that his computer is opening up all of his files. I grabbed my coat and hat and popped over to see what he had done to the poor thing. He had selected everything on his desktop and made shortcuts of them in a new folder on the desktop, in the quick-launch, and, worst of all, his startup folder. Imagine booting all the MS Office 97 applications at startup on a 486...quite painful.
I put my foot in my mouth rather firmly once. I was teaching a new user some basic UNIX commands just so she could get around on the computer when she needed to. I thought I was doing pretty well, but, in a moment of self-doubt, she said that she didn't think she'd ever learn how to use a computer. My feeble attempt at consoling her follows:
* Me: "Don't worry. You'll get the hang of it. When I first started using UNIX, I didn't even know how to change directories!" * Her: "What's a directory?"
* Customer: "File manager? What's that?" * Tech Support: "How long have you had your computer?" * Customer: "Three years."
Talking to a Mac user:
* Tech Support: "When was the last time you rebuilt the desktop?" * Customer: "Did what?" * Tech Support: "How long have you owned this computer?" * Customer: "Four years."
A customer walked into the computer store I work in, wanting to return a computer.
* Me: "Sure, is it defective?" * Customer: "No, that's not the problem. When I took it home and turned it on, I realized it was only half programmed." * Me: [scratching head] "What do you mean by half programmed?" * Customer: "Well, look at the computer on display." [points to the Windows 95 desktop] "Do you see how all the programs are on the left side of the computer?" * Me: [biting tongue] "Well, you are right sir, I will take your computer back."
I decided the moron had to solve his life before he could buy a computer.
A guy at our company asked to have Lotus Notes installed on his Mac. He said he'd be away for a couple days, and I could install it then. When I went to do it, there wasn't enough disk space, but there was about 96 megs in the trash. Ah, I thought, he's forgotten to empty it.
When the user returned to work, he came straight to see me after switching on his machine.
* Him: "Where're all my files?" * Me: "What files?" * Him: "The ones I was keeping in the trash."
Recently, I had a guy from the local tech school come in for an interview for my computer assistant job opening. I was taking him around the office, trying my best to explain to him what my job entails and what he'd be doing if he worked for me. One of the very first things I showed him was our NT server, which runs Wincenter Pro, a third-party enhanced version of Windows NT Server which allows us to have multiple people logged into the same NT box and to start up a remote NT session from an X-Windows desktop. He was pretty impressed by that, having been trained in a vanilla NT environment. The next thing I showed him was one of our old DG 300 UNIX workstations. He scoffed along with me when I explained that the workstation used an old 16mhz Motorola processor, so it was not exactly fast. The interview seemed to be going well up to this point, with the guy seeming to understand most of the stuff I was throwing out (even the stuff I wasn't too sure about myself) until I happened to mention that the DG workstation, along with all the other workstations and servers in our office (save the NT server, of course) ran DG/UX 5.4R3.10:
* Me: "Yeah, and this thing runs DG/UX 5.4R3.10." * Him: "What's that?"
He stares blankly. My heart sinks.
* Him: "So does that run as a thread under NT?" * Me: "No. It's an OS. It just runs by itself." * Him: "Oh oh, so you start up NT, then--" * Me: "No. UNIX. It's an operating system. It runs by itself, not under NT."
He stares blankly. So much for this prospective employee.
Two girls walked into the University's Linux cluster one time. They were obviously unfamiliar with computers and chatted with each other trying to figure everything out. I was doing my own work and had tuned out a lot of the conversation, but at one point one of them turned to me and asked how to get into Windows. "Type startx," I replied, for the Linux machines booted to a shell prompt, and you had to type "startx" to get into X-Windows. I never did find out if that worked for them or not, but they spent quite some time trying to correlate the instructions they had on paper (presumably given out in one of their classes) with what they were seeing on the screen. A full hour and a half passed, and finally one of them turned to me again and asked if this was the Microsoft Windows cluster. "No," I replied, "that's downstairs." It was hard to stifle the laughter until they were gone. An hour and a half before they realized they weren't even using the right operating system. Wow.
|
|
rab
Free Rider
Posts: 202
|
Post by rab on Aug 5, 2005 11:32:46 GMT 8
|
|
xtranss
All-Mountain Rider
Posts: 151
|
Post by xtranss on Aug 6, 2005 10:06:06 GMT 8
|
|
roxio
Free Rider
Posts: 305
|
Post by roxio on Aug 6, 2005 16:15:37 GMT 8
Pucha! almost got an heart attack!!! Good One! ;D ;D ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by minotaur on Aug 6, 2005 18:51:46 GMT 8
|
|
|
Post by minotaur on Aug 6, 2005 19:00:08 GMT 8
My Chinese friend went to see his doctor the other day.
Friend: Doc, me not feeling to well. Mostly at night.
Doc: Hmmm.... When I don't feel well at night. I make love with my wife.
Friend: Ohh... Good! Me try that.
The following day....
Doc: How are you feeling now?
Friend: Me feel better! Your wife very nice, beautiful house too.
;D ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by coolangot ☺ on Aug 6, 2005 21:43:05 GMT 8
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit p*ssed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show off his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again.
"No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly p*ssed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart a$$. You get up here and do it!" The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
and starts to sing .....
" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."
|
|
|
Post by coolangot ☺ on Aug 6, 2005 22:00:58 GMT 8
THE FASTEST THING
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asks the second man.
"Hmm...let me see. A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of. "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye...that's a very popular cliche for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.
Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the samequestion. The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is [B}DIARRHEA.[/B]"
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t my pants!"
HE GOT THE JOB.
;D ;D ;D
|
|
|
Post by coolangot ☺ on Aug 6, 2005 22:04:28 GMT 8
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
|
|
|
Post by coolangot ☺ on Aug 6, 2005 22:08:14 GMT 8
A loud pounding on the door awakens a man and his wife at 3 o'clock in the morning. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that, " asks his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answered.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It is 3 in the morning, and it is pouring outside."
"Well you have a short memory, "says his wife. "Can't you remember about 3 months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed,and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please." comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replies the drunk.
|
|
|
Post by coolangot ☺ on Aug 6, 2005 23:34:33 GMT 8
BALL SIZE AND CORPORATE POSITION
* The sport of choice for unskilled, minimum wage workers is basketball. * The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling. * The sport of choice for front-line workers is football. * The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball. * The sport of choice for middle management is tennis. * The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf.
Conclusion: the higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls are.
|
|
|
Post by coolangot ☺ on Aug 6, 2005 23:39:10 GMT 8
|
|
hellspawn
XC Rider
"I Fight What You Fear"
Posts: 124
|
Post by hellspawn on Aug 8, 2005 16:04:17 GMT 8
Just to lighten up your day, this is so hilarious.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he mdoesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.. ________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Would you repeat the question? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. AT! TORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
|
|
|
Post by allegra on Aug 11, 2005 14:37:13 GMT 8
A teacher was reviewing her class's homework assignment. She asked Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated.
Susie stood up, shuffled her feet and said, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you."
The teacher said, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated."
Johnny said, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light."
The teacher said, "That's right, Johnny."
Then she turned to Susie and said, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, you're in for a big disappointment
|
|
|
Post by atomikmatchbox on Aug 11, 2005 15:18:12 GMT 8
for sale: norce vps teamdh with monster t fork,whole bike for 30k (downhill set up) gt i-drive 6.0,avid disc brake,marzoochi mz comp 03,whole bike for 10k
|
|
|
Post by alien_scream on Aug 11, 2005 15:29:49 GMT 8
for sale: norce vps teamdh with monster t fork,whole bike for 30k (downhill set up) gt i-drive 6.0,avid disc brake,marzoochi mz comp 03,whole bike for 10k this is really a joke!!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
Post by stormloader on Aug 11, 2005 16:01:31 GMT 8
for sale: norce vps teamdh with monster t fork,whole bike for 30k (downhill set up) gt i-drive 6.0,avid disc brake,marzoochi mz comp 03,whole bike for 10k haha! good one mike! almost fell for it. i didn't see right away that it's under the "joke of the day" thread. i thought you lost your mind hehe ;D
|
|
|
Post by eiwol on Aug 12, 2005 0:42:15 GMT 8
for sale: norce vps teamdh with monster t fork,whole bike for 30k (downhill set up) gt i-drive 6.0,avid disc brake,marzoochi mz comp 03,whole bike for 10k are these still available?
|
|
|
Post by mountguitars on Aug 12, 2005 4:44:04 GMT 8
for sale: norce vps teamdh with monster t fork,whole bike for 30k (downhill set up) gt i-drive 6.0,avid disc brake,marzoochi mz comp 03,whole bike for 10k greatest joke i've ever read. almost fell for it, hehehe. nice goin mike.
|
|
|
Post by alien_scream on Aug 12, 2005 11:02:57 GMT 8
The daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.
Upon her return,her father cussed her out: " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mom through??!!" The girl, crying: "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..." "WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot, sinner, you're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!" "OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this fur coat and title to a mansion, a savings account certificate of $5 million for my little brother, and for you, Daddy, this gold Rolex, the spanking new BMW that's parked outside and a lifetime membership to the Country Club... an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and .. "Now what was it you said you had become?" Girl, crying again: Sniff, sniff "A prostitute Dad!" ... Sniff, sniff . "Oh! Gee - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"
|
|
hingal aso
Free Rider
In my dreams!!!!!!!
Posts: 237
|
Post by hingal aso on Aug 13, 2005 20:58:02 GMT 8
In one of those religous meetings/gatherings where the topic of the day was death.
The speaker asked the group...."Upon your death, what do you you want people to say as they are "looking down" on your in your coffin?"
He pointed to a well dressed person who looked like a CEO of a top 100 corporation. He was about to start to say something then hesistated. Then goes on to say "I want people to say that I was one of the best CEOs ever. That I was responsible for making my company the leader of our industry"
Then the speaker pointed to a man in the prime of his youth. Without hesitation he replied "I want to hear them say that I was the best athlete ever produced by our country"
The speaker then pointed to a rich looking matriarch. She answered that this is what she wanted to hear. "She is such a kind person. She gave millions to our charities. She was responsible for numerous donations that was responsible for our multitude of projects for the poor and the disabled. We will never see a soul as kind as hers"
And lastly the speaker pointed to a simpleton who has been eagerly raising his hands since the question was raised earlier, but was seated at the back that it was an inconveniece to call him at an earlier time.
As he stood up, everyone could notice that he was all smile, as if he has something to say and be very proud of it. And he goes, "Ang gusto kong marinig sa mga taong sumisilip sa kabaong ko habang ako ang nakahiga doon ay........HUMI-HINGA PA SIYA."
|
|
|
Post by allegra on Aug 15, 2005 0:38:49 GMT 8
A nice young worker from the Post Office, was sorting through her regular envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed as follows:
GOD c/o Heaven
Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little old lady, who had never asked for anything in her life, was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.
Well the young lady was deeply touched and arranged a collection from her fellow workmates. She collected $90 and sent it off to the old lady.
A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed to God, so the young lady opened it and it read
"Dear God, Thank you for the money, I deeply appreciate it, however I only received $90. It must have been those bastards at the Post Office." _________________________________________________
|
|
|
Post by allegra on Aug 18, 2005 12:59:54 GMT 8
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. He driver felt so awful that he began to cry.
A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.
The man was astonished. He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?
"The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: Are you ready for this?
"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."
Ang sakit sa ulo _______________________________________________________________
|
|
|
Post by allegra on Aug 20, 2005 18:42:04 GMT 8
A lespu officer pulled over a red Corvette after it had run a stop sign.
"May I see your driver's license and registration please?"
"What's the problem, officer?"
"You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."
"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me".
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."
"You gotta be kidding me!"
"It's no joke, sir".
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."
"You've sure got a lot of time on your hands. What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!"
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."
"Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
"Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?" _______________________________________________________________
|
|
roxio
Free Rider
Posts: 305
|
Post by roxio on Aug 26, 2005 15:28:13 GMT 8
WIFE VS HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."
|
|
roxio
Free Rider
Posts: 305
|
Post by roxio on Aug 26, 2005 15:28:36 GMT 8
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
|
|