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Post by g.b.b on May 28, 2005 12:11:12 GMT 8
Tendjewberrymud
Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.
Read aloud for best results (and some semblance of comprehension).
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees" Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service" RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??" G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs" RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?. pry, boy, pooch?" G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"G: "What?" RS: "San tos. July San tos?" G: "I don't think so" RS: "No? Judo one toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes means." RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping webother?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bother?" G: "No. Just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?" G: "Sorry?" RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud" G: "You're welcome"
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Post by kidjoe on May 30, 2005 11:18:51 GMT 8
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Post by kidjoe on May 30, 2005 11:22:03 GMT 8
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Post by kidjoe on May 30, 2005 11:23:23 GMT 8
Today it is below 0 degrees with a minus 20 degree wind chill in Chicago. My good buddy Andy sent me in this clip which is perfect to help deal with this crappy Chicago weather. Pretty funny clip. www.big-boys.com/articles/chicagocold.html
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Post by whoopi on May 30, 2005 18:17:20 GMT 8
i don't know which would get us banned--writing in tagalog so that the proboards people suspect we're talking obscene, or writing in english about obscene jokes that proboards people can perfectly understand
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Post by warlock^_^ on May 31, 2005 6:34:31 GMT 8
i don't know which would get us banned--writing in tagalog so that the proboards people suspect we're talking obscene, or writing in english about obscene jokes that proboards people can perfectly understand Honestly, all those listed will really get us banned 3. CONTENT RESTRICTIONS
Your web site must conform to the following standards to be eligible to utilize this service:
User's content must comply in a manner consistent with any and all applicable laws of the State of California and the US Federal Government. User's web site may not contain content promoting the use of illegal drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography, nudity, or any other form of adult content, profanity, hate, "spam," fraud, racism, mlm, pyramid schemes, or promote any illegal activity. User's message board and Web site must be in English.
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Post by sabretooth on May 31, 2005 8:13:15 GMT 8
bingo.
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Post by jr on May 31, 2005 9:01:23 GMT 8
I agree with Warlock..
The jokes are funny but not appropriate in this board. Guys remember what the restriction on this board.
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Post by Ben Dover on May 31, 2005 14:33:23 GMT 8
okey! lets try wholesome:
== LIFE AFTER DEATH ==
BOSS said to an employee: "Do you believe in life after Death?"
EMPLOYEE: "Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied.
BOSS: "Well there is now, after you left early yesterday to go to your brother's funeral, he came here looking for you."
EMPLOYEE: "Eeishh..."
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Post by Ben Dover on May 31, 2005 14:55:14 GMT 8
== INSENSITIVE ==
a man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. when he came back, he called his brother to see when he could pick up the cat. the brother hesitated, then said, "i'm sorry, but while you were away, the cat died." the man was very upset and yelled, "you know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. when you called today, you could have said he was on the roof and wouldn' come down. then when i called the next day, you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. then when i callled you the third day, you could have said he passed away."
the brother thought about it and apologized.
"so how's mom?" asked the man.
the brother answered " she's on the roof and won't come down."
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Post by gabe1215 on May 31, 2005 16:43:49 GMT 8
thats a good one sir tolits.
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д£εЌ§
All-Mountain Rider
"what we ride is life"
Posts: 159
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Post by д£εЌ§ on Jun 1, 2005 8:52:55 GMT 8
Two friends are walking in the jungle. Suddenly a tiger appears in the distance running toward them. One friend pulls a pair of 'Nikes' out of his bag and quickly puts them on. With a surprised look, the other friend says, "You don't really think you can out run that tiger with those?" "I don't need to out run the tiger", his friend replies, "I just need to run faster than you".
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Post by feline13 on Jun 1, 2005 10:05:48 GMT 8
Two friends are walking in the jungle. Suddenly a tiger appears in the distance running toward them. One friend pulls a pair of 'Nikes' out of his bag and quickly puts them on. With a surprised look, the other friend says, "You don't really think you can out run that tiger with those?" "I don't need to out run the tiger", his friend replies, "I just need to run faster than you". BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!ay sori po -- mababaw lang ako. ooppss.. shallow only me.
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Post by g.b.b on Jun 1, 2005 12:30:14 GMT 8
to moderators: sorry for the local language i used here' now it's edited i hope you're very strict with the rules now. so, english only zone here!!! to readers and fellow forum members: this will be updated with english and non-sex related jokes. (boring...)
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Post by g.b.b on Jun 1, 2005 12:30:59 GMT 8
Bullfight Buffet
A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish. The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It tastes even more scrumptious.
The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?"
And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"
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Post by g.b.b on Jun 1, 2005 12:32:02 GMT 8
Country Politics
A busload of politicians was driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and apsked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, they were ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
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Post by g.b.b on Jun 1, 2005 12:38:41 GMT 8
a man in mask entered a sperm bank...
man: "this is a hold up!" girl: "but this is a sperm bank!" man: "i know, open the vault, now!"
girl did as was told...the man took 5 containers of sperm...then at gun point said
man: "drink it!" girl: "what?! are you crazy?!" man: "just drink it!"
girl did as was told...same thing happened for containers 2 to 5....upon gulping down the last container, the man removed his mask then said..
man: "see honey, i told you it was easy...."
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Post by g.b.b on Jun 1, 2005 12:40:23 GMT 8
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing".
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost,
I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend" ?
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge" he says.
"No really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am", the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice...
... So I just switched heads."
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Post by warlock^_^ on Jun 1, 2005 14:06:16 GMT 8
to moderators: sorry for the local language i used here' now it's edited i hope you're very strict with the rules now. so, english only zone here!!! to readers and fellow forum members: this will be updated with english and non-sex related jokes. (boring...) thanks brad, honestly a lot of us here loves the earlier posted jokes as well, guess you notice it took us awhile to highlight this to you since we're enjoying reading em. But the existence of this board depends on every member following the rules set by proboards, hope you understend.
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Post by milo on Jun 1, 2005 18:53:50 GMT 8
There are lots of KJ's here........Anyway, lets stick to the rules.....
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Post by jr on Jun 1, 2005 19:38:40 GMT 8
Good boy, Most of us here love your joke brad but we are limited due to the webhost restriction. Keep them coming but instead of rated R kindly convert them at least PG -13 instead.
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Post by allegra on Jun 1, 2005 22:17:53 GMT 8
Hi, This is your resident KJ here Let's keep it clean and boring folks
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Post by fullspeed on Jun 1, 2005 23:32:08 GMT 8
Hi, This is your resident KJ here Let's keep it clean and boring folks ;D
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Post by allegra on Jun 2, 2005 9:42:36 GMT 8
from: thatscomedy.com
A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But... the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Oh," says the wife, "... Ours is prettier."
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Post by gabe1215 on Jun 2, 2005 11:40:46 GMT 8
if only wives were that easy.... hehehe. nice one sir allegra.
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Post by allegra on Jun 2, 2005 18:17:41 GMT 8
Jesse and justin will be celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary the next day At midnight, jessie woke up to find justins side of the bed empty Worried, jessie dressed quickly and went downstairs She found Justin in the living room, clutching their wedding album , tears streaming down his face
Jessie kissed and embraced her husband and asked : Honey , whats the matter?
Justin: do you remember when we first met?
Jessie so in-luv said: Yes, I remember. It was at Tia maria near greenbelt
Justin: Remember when you got so drunk that night I had to take you home in my car? Then your dad the Judge caught us in the backseat of the car outside your house that night?
Jessie smiled and said : Yes , I remember
Justin : Your dad pointed his pistol at me and said that if I didnt marry you, he will send me to jail for 20 years!
Jessie laughing : Yes, I remember, but why are you crying honey?
Justin : Bukas na dapat laya ko eh
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Post by coolangot ☺ on Jun 2, 2005 18:27:02 GMT 8
Jesse and justin will be celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary the next day At midnight, jessie woke up to find justins side of the bed empty Worried, jessie dressed quickly and went downstairs She found Justin in the living room, clutching their wedding album , tears streaming down his face Jessie kissed and embraced her husband and asked : Honey , whats the matter? Justin: do you remember when we first met? Jessie so in-luv said: Yes, I remember. It was at Tia maria near greenbelt Justin: Remember when you got so drunk that night I had to take you home in my car? Then your dad the Judge caught us in the backseat of the car outside your house that night? Jessie smiled and said : Yes , I remember Justin : Your dad pointed his pistol at me and said that if I didnt marry you, he will send me to jail for 20 years! Jessie laughing : Yes, I remember, but why are you crying honey? Justin : Bukas na dapat laya ko eh adik talaga sa fullhouse.. hahahhahah
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д£εЌ§
All-Mountain Rider
"what we ride is life"
Posts: 159
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Post by д£εЌ§ on Jun 2, 2005 18:35:48 GMT 8
Jesse and justin will be celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary the next day At midnight, jessie woke up to find justins side of the bed empty Worried, jessie dressed quickly and went downstairs She found Justin in the living room, clutching their wedding album , tears streaming down his face Jessie kissed and embraced her husband and asked : Honey , whats the matter? Justin: do you remember when we first met? Jessie so in-luv said: Yes, I remember. It was at Tia maria near greenbelt Justin: Remember when you got so drunk that night I had to take you home in my car? Then your dad the Judge caught us in the backseat of the car outside your house that night? Jessie smiled and said : Yes , I remember Justin : Your dad pointed his pistol at me and said that if I didnt marry you, he will send me to jail for 20 years! Jessie laughing : Yes, I remember, but why are you crying honey? Justin : Bukas na dapat laya ko eh HAHAHAHAHAHA
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Post by g.b.b on Jun 2, 2005 19:32:17 GMT 8
no prob. i can understand the rules naman... tnx for the info ;D ride safely
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Post by allegra on Jun 2, 2005 20:04:50 GMT 8
no prob. i can understand the rules naman... tnx for the info ;D ride safely See children? Mabuti pa si Brionne , good boy
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