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Post by rickym on Dec 15, 2005 23:25:34 GMT 8
Onions and Christmas trees........
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
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Post by anji on Dec 17, 2005 1:15:46 GMT 8
WIFE: Himala! Ang aga mong umuwi ngayon. HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO TO HELL", kaya ito uwi agad ako…
--oOo---
Lasing (takot): may multo sa banyo natin! Wife: ha? Bakit? Lasing: kasi bumubukas yung ilaw pag papasok ako ng banyo eh. Wife: punyeta ka! ikaw pala umiihi sa ref!
--oOo--
1st night lola wear see thru dress, lolo didn't react.. 2nd night lola wear t-back, lolo still deadma... 3rd nyt lola all naked, lolo said "anu yan suot mo, gusot-gusot!!"
--oOo--
DAD: anak, bili mo ko softdrinx ANAK: Coke or pepsi? D: Coke A: Diet or regular? D: regular A: bote o can? D: bote A: 8 oz o litro? D: Punyeta!! tubig na lang! A: viva o wilkins?
--oOo--
AMO: sagutin mo ang telepon inday! INDAY: (baligtad ang hawak) hilo? hilo? AMO: baligtarin mo! INDAY: lohi? lohi? AMO: telepon ang baligtarin mo! INDAY: Puntili, puntili
--oOo--
Juan: bday ng asawa ko Pedro: ano regalo mo? Juan: tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya. P: ano naman sinabi? J: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND. P: ano binigay mo? J: Baraha.
--oOo--
Pedro: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili ako ng hearing aid. Grabe! Ang linaw na ng pandinig ko! Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo? Pedro: Kahapon lang.
--oOo--
Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve! Student: That's not true! My dad sez we are descendants of an Ape! Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY!
--oOo--
Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na to, let's make love. Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. maaga pa akong gigising bukas, buti ikaw dehins na.
--oOo--
KRIMINAL1: "Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung papatayin natin?"
KRIMINAL2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na tayo dito wala parin siya! Sana naman walang nangyaring masama sa kanya."
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Post by anji on Dec 17, 2005 1:27:57 GMT 8
Tarzan and Jane
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"
"Tarzan first check for bees."
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Post by anji on Dec 28, 2005 4:21:21 GMT 8
High Price Hooker
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout lady of the evening catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the lady of the evening, "How much?"
Lady of the evening replies, "It starts at $500 for manual manipulation."
Guy says, "$500 dollars! For manual manipulation! No manual manipulation is worth that kind of money!"
The lady of the evening says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the lady of the evening, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give manual manipulation that's worth $500."
Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel.
A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the best manual manipulation of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose oral manipulation is $1,000?"
The lady of the evening replies, "$1,500."
$1,500? No oral manipulation could be worth that".
The lady of the evening replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.
Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give oral manipulation that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific manual manipulation, says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can't believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the lady of the evening, "How much for conventional coupling?"
The lady of the evening says, "Come over here to the window.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
"d@mn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the lady of the evening replies, "but I would if I were a female."
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Post by anji on Jan 2, 2006 5:10:39 GMT 8
Smart Sex in Florida
A Florida couple, both in their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks,"What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good-bye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after seven or eight weeks of this, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"
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Post by anji on Jan 4, 2006 21:48:25 GMT 8
Driving Permit
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.
The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."
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Post by anji on Jan 4, 2006 21:49:23 GMT 8
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood ...sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells, "Holy Mary, Mother of God Hand Lotion too !"
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Post by anji on Jan 6, 2006 22:41:52 GMT 8
The wedding rehearsal
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you £100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister £100 and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put £100 into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
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Post by gilbs72 on Jan 10, 2006 18:59:51 GMT 8
Well, this one's not really a joke but it made me laugh anyway... in case you ever think of doing this to yourself... ;D
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Post by biatch on Jan 11, 2006 16:53:51 GMT 8
A Kid asks: "Daddy? How did I come into this world?"
The Daddy Answered:"Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you any way, The Kid asked again: so why not today? The Dad Respond: Please, listen carefully." Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber café. In the restrooms of that cyber café, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick. When dad finished uploading we discovered we used no firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus.
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Post by Superbad on Jan 17, 2006 16:39:56 GMT 8
YEAR 1981 1. Prince Charles got married. 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe 3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament. 4. Pope died.
YEAR 2005 1. Prince Charles got married. 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe 3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament. 4. Pope died.
In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, please warn the Pope!
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Post by xctofi on Feb 23, 2006 8:17:46 GMT 8
Job application make sure you read the bottom Deer Sir, I waunt to apply for the Teknikol Seporrt job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting. I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, ?Pepole really seam to respond to me well. I?m lookin for a Jobb as a tacnichal suport but it musent be to complicaited. I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. ?My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth, I can start imeditely. ?Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr. Sinseerly, Peggy May Starlings PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb. Employer's response:...... Dear Peggy May, It's OK honey, we've got spell check.
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Post by qt_kat on Feb 25, 2006 15:35:55 GMT 8
ENGLISH-TAGALOG DICTIONARY
1) Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan 2) Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol 3) Ice Buko - nagtatanong kung ayos na ang buhok 4) Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis 5) Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya 6) Devastation - sakayan ng bus 7) Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas 8) Statue - Ikaw ba yan? 9) Tissue - Ikaw nga! 10) Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa 11) Dedicate - Pinatay ang pusa 12) Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo 13) Deduct - Ang pato 14) Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?) 15) Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?) 16) Deposit - Gripo (Call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking) 17) City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6 18) Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna 19) Persuading - Unang Kasal 20) Depress - Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING> 22) Defense - Ginamit ng mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa PERSUADING 23) It depends - Kainin mo ang bakod 24) Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11) 25) Delusion - Maluwang (kapag maluwang ang damit, eh DELUSION) 26) Delivery - Walang bayad. Kapag working lunch, eh DELIVERY na ang tanghalian 27) Profit - Patunayan mo 28) Balance Sheet - What comes out after eating a balance diet 29) Backlog - bacon saka egg 30) Beehive - magpakatino ka 31) CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto 32) Debug - ang ipis 33) Defrag - ang palaka 34) Defense - ang bakod 35) Defer - ang balahibo 36) Deflate - ang plato 37) Detest - ang eksamin 38) Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V 39) Devote - ang boto 40) Dilemma - brownout!, a! 41) Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane 42) Forums - apat na kwarto 43) July - nagsinungaling ka ba? 44) Thesis - ito ay...
;D ;D ;D
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Post by g.b.b on Sept 1, 2006 9:25:34 GMT 8
FOR SALE: 15K
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Post by xctofi on Sept 1, 2006 9:28:36 GMT 8
youre one big joke bri ;D
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Post by g.b.b on Sept 1, 2006 9:31:37 GMT 8
youre one big joke bri ;D you're one party pooper tofi.
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Post by g.b.b on Sept 1, 2006 9:38:04 GMT 8
STOLEN BIKE JUST TODAY..... at this very moment im typing it was stolen............ poor bike..
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Post by g.b.b on Sept 9, 2006 6:27:38 GMT 8
GRO or CG? a LOLO went to a bar...he was asked by the MANAGER: sir, ano po gusto niyo!? GRO o CG?! LOLO: alam ko yung GRO...pero ano yung CG?! yan ba yung Call Girl!? MANAGER: dehins sir........ Care Giver! hahaha!
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Post by g.b.b on Oct 30, 2006 6:30:36 GMT 8
PROMOTION:
Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka nang humaharap sa korte ko ah!
Swindler: Your Honor, di ko kasalanan kung dehins po kayo ma-promote.
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Post by g.b.b on Oct 30, 2006 6:31:19 GMT 8
Wife: Honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra...
Husband: Hon.. wag ka nang magbra...liit naman dede mo e..
Wife: E ba't ikaw, naka-brief!?
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Post by g.b.b on Oct 30, 2006 6:33:08 GMT 8
Boy 1: Tanungin mo ko ng English, Sasagutin kita ng spanish Boy 2: o sige, which is more important, the heart or the mind? Boy 1: Spanish
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Post by g.b.b on Oct 30, 2006 6:33:40 GMT 8
Mrs. 1: "Mare, ang pangit ng pangalan ng mister mo, Conrado Domingo! In short - CONDOM!"
Mrs. 2: "Mabuti na yon kesa sa mister mo, Supremo Potenciano. In short - SUPOT!"
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Post by g.b.b on Oct 30, 2006 6:44:21 GMT 8
Erap calling emergency hotline: Please send help asap! My daughter is giving birth and turning blue..... Operator: CAlm down sir! Is this her first baby? Erap: st&*%$d! This is her father!
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Post by g.b.b on Oct 30, 2006 6:45:46 GMT 8
Erap: Lintik na shampoo to ayaw bumula Maid: Sir eh dehins pa po basa buhok niyo Erap : eh for Dry Hair nga eh.
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Post by g.b.b on Oct 30, 2006 6:51:39 GMT 8
Nanay : anak lutuin mo na yung gulay para may makain na tayo Anak : nay maya na BC pa po ako eh Nanay : bakit anak ano ba ginagawa mo Anak : eto pong saranggola ko Nanay : bakit anak makakain mo ba yang saranggola Anak : bakit nay mapapalipad nyo ba ang gulay
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Post by g.b.b on Oct 30, 2006 8:14:32 GMT 8
boy: Ma'am totoo po ba na ang tao nagmula sa unggoy? teacher: Oo based yan sa evolution theory boy: E bakit po kayo mukhang kabayo
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