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Post by rickym on Dec 3, 2005 7:33:26 GMT 8
Vampire bat A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
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Post by rickym on Dec 3, 2005 7:35:49 GMT 8
Lawyer Joke 10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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Post by rickym on Dec 3, 2005 7:38:31 GMT 8
A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
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Post by rickym on Dec 3, 2005 7:42:48 GMT 8
Billing A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
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Post by rickym on Dec 3, 2005 7:52:01 GMT 8
From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,
I am writing this SLOW because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved FAR WAY.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.
Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got another bill from the funeral home.
They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up SHE COMES.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle.
If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it "MOM".
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
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Post by rickym on Dec 3, 2005 7:53:51 GMT 8
Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
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Post by rickym on Dec 3, 2005 7:56:38 GMT 8
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his lawit in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s lawit in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
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Post by rickym on Dec 3, 2005 7:57:39 GMT 8
Dead girl thingy
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
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Post by rickym on Dec 3, 2005 13:39:00 GMT 8
Farmer Brown and his wife were working in the field one day about dusk. As they were heading back to the house they saw a bunch of strange lights way out in the field. Upon ariving Farmer Brown and his wife saw a spaceship landing. They were approached by two aliens. The aliens said they were researching human sex life and wanted to know if they could partner switch. After talking it over Farmer Brown and his wife agreed. The next morning the aliens left.
Farmer Brown was dying to ask his wife what happened. Finally he couldn't stand it anymore and broke down and asked her. Well what happened?
She replied, It was the best sex I ever had!
Why? asked Farmer Brown.
Well when he took off his pants it wasn'r but an inch long and as big around as my pinky, but then he reached up and turned his left ear and it grew as to 16 inches, then he turned his right ear and it got as big around as a sausage.
Farmer Brown said, Well shite, no wonder that btch was trying to rip my ears off!!
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Post by rickym on Dec 3, 2005 13:42:30 GMT 8
Layoffs are Tough --------------------
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sits in his office and watches them work.
Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.
Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."
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Post by anji on Dec 4, 2005 2:45:54 GMT 8
Ol' Mrs. Murphy
The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary. The man thought it would be funny to try and mess with the lady's mind. In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered." The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!" Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!" The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"
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Post by anji on Dec 4, 2005 2:46:40 GMT 8
Can We See The Baby?
Due to an experimental medical technique, an 90 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. "May we see the baby?" one asked. "Not yet," said the mother, "I'll make coffee for all of you and then you can play with the baby for a while." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. After another half hour had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?" "When it cries," she told them. "WHEN IT CRIES?" they exclaimed. "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" "Because I forgot where I put him."
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Post by anji on Dec 4, 2005 2:47:19 GMT 8
Right & Wrong
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take all his money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raised his hand and blurted out, "You'd be his wife!"
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Post by anji on Dec 4, 2005 2:49:31 GMT 8
The Ten Commandments Of Marriage Commandment 1 Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep. Commandment 3 Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4 Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Commandment 5 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6 Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.
Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished
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Post by anji on Dec 4, 2005 4:32:47 GMT 8
[1] Men are like -- Mini Skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
[2] Men are like -- Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
[3] Men are like -- Department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
[4] Men are like -- Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.
[5] Men are like --Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
[6] Men are like -- Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
[7] Men are like-- Chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
[8] Men are like -- Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
[9] Men are like -- Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
[10] Men are like -- Plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
[11] Men are like--Laxatives. They irritate the sh*t out of you.
[12] Men are like -- Parking spots. The good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped.
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Post by anji on Dec 4, 2005 9:07:26 GMT 8
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady walked in and asked if they minded if she bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, ''I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked.'' With that, she stripped off all her clothes and then rolled the dice while yelling ''Come on baby, momma needs new clothes!'' She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling ''YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!'' With that, she picked up her winnings and clothes and quickly left.
The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, ''What the hell did she roll anyway?'' The second dealer answered, ''I thought you were paying attention!''
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Post by anji on Dec 4, 2005 9:16:41 GMT 8
Ferrari Owner
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari.
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped."
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within a few seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,
W-H-H-H-O-O-O-O-S-S-S-H-H-H!
Something whips by him, going much faster!!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again.
Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again.
The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear.
The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!
He runs up to the old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with labored breath, "Unhook...my suspenders... from your..side-view mirror..."
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Post by rickym on Dec 5, 2005 8:55:26 GMT 8
Ang turo ni Tatay at ni Nanay
dehinsng-dehins ko makakalimutan ang mga mumunti ngunit ginintuang
butil ng payo na nakuha ko sa aking mga magulang. Kaya heto, aking
ise-share sa inyo:
1. Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas! Mga leche
kayo, kalilinis ko lang ng bahay!"
2. Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay. "Kapag yang mantsa di natanggal
sa carpet, magdasal ka na!"
3.Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC. "Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko."
4. At kay Inay pa rin ako natuto MORE LOGIC. "Kapag ikaw ay
nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang magisa ang
manonood ng sine."
5. Si Inay din ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sahibin ng
IRONY. "Sige ngumalngal ka pa at bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan
mo!"
6. Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM.
"Tingnan mo nga yang dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tignan mo!!!"
7. Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung anong ibig sabihin ng
STAMINA. "Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga't di mo natatapos yang lahat
ng pagkain mo!"
8. At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung ano ang WEATHER. "Lintek
talaga kayo, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid, parang dinaanan
ng bagyo!"
9. Ganito ang paliwanag sa akin ni Inay tungkol sa CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"Malandi kang bata ka, iniluwal kita sa mundong ito, maari rin
kitang alisin sa mundong ito."
10. Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Tumigil
ka nga diyan! Huwag kang mag- aarte na parang Nanay mo!"
11. Si Inay naman ang nagturo kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS. "Nagmana ka ngang talaga sa ama mong walanghiya!"
12. Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION. "Sige kang
bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay!"
13. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin
ng RECEIVING. "Uupakan kita pagdating natin sa bahay!"
14. Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang HUMOR. "Kapag
naputol yang mga paa mo ng pinaglalaruan mong lawnmower, wag na wag
kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpuhin kita!"
15. Natutunan ko rin kina Inay at Itay kung ano ang JUSTICE. "Isang
araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak, tiyak maging katulad mo at magiging
pasakit din sa ulo!"
16. Si Inay at Itay din ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig
sabihin ng ENVY. "Maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang, di ba kayo
nagpapasalamat at mayroon kayong magulang na tulad namin???"
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Post by rickym on Dec 5, 2005 16:12:30 GMT 8
the shepherd
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says....... "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?" "OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know @#$% about my business.... Now give me back my sheep."
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Post by rickym on Dec 5, 2005 16:13:53 GMT 8
Only 30 times
A man is having problems with his lawit, which certainly had seen better times.
He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but youve overdone it the last 30 years. Your lawit is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in it."
The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem.
He tells her what the doc told him.
She says, "Oh no! Only 30 times! We shouldnt waste that! We should make a list!"
He replies, "I already made a list on the way home, and Im afraid youre name isnt on it."
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Post by rickym on Dec 5, 2005 16:16:19 GMT 8
FUZZY LOGIC
I was born intelligent - Education ruined me. .......................................................................
Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect...... So why practice? .......................................................................
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
.......................................................................
Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
......................................................................
Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa.
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One should love animals. They are so tasty.
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Behind every successful man, there is a woman And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
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Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
.......................................................................
The wise never marry. and when they marry they become otherwise.
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Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
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Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
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"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep
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There should be a better way to start a day Than waking up every morning
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"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk
.......................................................................
"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours .......................................................................
God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.
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The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know So.. why learn.
.......................................................................
A bus station is where a bus stops . A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say........
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Post by rickym on Dec 5, 2005 16:20:06 GMT 8
genie in the house
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah, sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?” the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing."
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Post by vic on Dec 5, 2005 17:48:41 GMT 8
MATALINONG TATAY
ANAK: 'tay ano ang tagalog sa ban peper?
TATAY: anak wag kang BOBO, indi ban peper ang tawag don..
ANAK: Eh ano po?
TATAY: KOKONGBAN ang tawag don, tanga!.
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Post by rickym on Dec 6, 2005 11:59:51 GMT 8
blowing bubbles!
Three ducks went into court. The judge called the first one to the stand.
"What is your name?" he asked.
"Quack." the duck answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was blowing bubbles." he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the duck and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"Quack," the duck answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was blowing bubbles." the duck replied.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, so he called up the next duck.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess, Quack." he said.
"No," said the duck, "My name is Bubbles."
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Post by rickym on Dec 6, 2005 12:04:34 GMT 8
unzipped my fly
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.
As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!
So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line Picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, Screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"
At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."
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Post by rickym on Dec 6, 2005 12:07:03 GMT 8
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET
ELEMENT: Women
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing; freezes w/o known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously w/o prior warning and for no apparent reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but libido increases greatly when saturated with alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation; sure beats a hand.
3. Very effective cleaning agent. Purer specimens cooks as well.
TESTS:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
Even then, to be handled with extreme care.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.
LIKELY CONSEQUENCES UPON THEIR INADVERTENT MEETING:
For her: Eyes gorged out. For him: Cock cut off.
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Post by rickym on Dec 6, 2005 12:20:22 GMT 8
it hurts father!
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says,"I don''t really see that you ever really did anything great in your life, but Idon''t see anything really bad either .
Tell you what," St. Peter says. "If you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, I''ll let you in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "OK, well there was this one timewhen Iwas driving down the highway and I saw a gang assaulting this poor girl.
I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of ''em torturing this woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, gang members formed a circle around me. "So, I ripped the leader''s chain out of his face and smashed him and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the over the head with the tire iron," the guy says. "Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them,
''Leave this poor, innocent girl alone!
You''re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you all a lesson in pain!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says
"Wow! When did this happen?"
"About two minutes ago."
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Post by rickym on Dec 9, 2005 18:57:51 GMT 8
A very successful lawyer parked his...
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side.
The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don''t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"
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Post by allegra on Dec 11, 2005 18:37:06 GMT 8
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!" _________________________________________________
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Post by rickym on Dec 15, 2005 23:17:28 GMT 8
Kids are Quick
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank? FRANK: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." _________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?" GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L TEACHER: No, that's wrong. GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. _______________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? ; DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! ________________________________________ TEACHER: Goss, why do you always get so dirty? GOSS: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I." MILLIE: I is... TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am." MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." ________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand. ______________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, teacher. It's the same dog. _________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher.
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