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Post by rickym on Nov 24, 2005 21:45:10 GMT 8
My daughter is your reward
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
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Post by rickym on Nov 24, 2005 21:51:26 GMT 8
Too much speeding
A lespu officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say"
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
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Post by rickym on Nov 24, 2005 22:12:52 GMT 8
Have a life after death
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you ask permission to left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.
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Post by rickym on Nov 25, 2005 20:18:33 GMT 8
Drinking Test
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
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Post by rickym on Nov 25, 2005 20:41:20 GMT 8
Pilot's Plans
The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto".
Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?"
Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.
"Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night".
Well, everyone in the plane's trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off.
Half way down, she trips over an old ladies handbag - and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a shite first!"
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Post by rickym on Nov 25, 2005 20:43:25 GMT 8
Hearing Aid
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
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Post by rickym on Nov 25, 2005 20:45:08 GMT 8
Practicing Art
In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?"
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"
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Post by rickym on Nov 25, 2005 20:46:39 GMT 8
Gorila Remover
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
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Post by rickym on Nov 25, 2005 20:48:47 GMT 8
Talking Centipede
A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "really?" Says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is £50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.
On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.
An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.
An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"
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Post by rickym on Nov 25, 2005 20:50:10 GMT 8
Dead Husband
A woman goes to visit a fortune teller. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the fortune teller's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be found guilty?"
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Post by rickym on Nov 25, 2005 20:57:00 GMT 8
A Shave and a Shine
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."
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Post by rickym on Nov 25, 2005 20:58:41 GMT 8
Strict Sex Schedule
A young couple was married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule.
So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.
The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.
One germ said, "I'm going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I don't think the antibiotics will find me there."
A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don't think they'll find me there."
The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm goanna be on it!"
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Post by rickym on Nov 25, 2005 21:01:34 GMT 8
On The Job Training
Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,” Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...A-bomb.”
The third man married a school teacher.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.
At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.
The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, “You’re not sanitary, and you’re not sanitary."
At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.
The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.
Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teacher’s husband would be calling any minute.
Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couple’s room. The man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
Joe fearing the worst asked “What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"
The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."
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Post by rickym on Nov 25, 2005 21:02:50 GMT 8
What Sex is Polly?
A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.
She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.
A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."
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Post by rickym on Nov 25, 2005 21:10:27 GMT 8
The Most Gruesome Death
'There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in. The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.'' The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.'' It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator...'''
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Post by rickym on Nov 25, 2005 21:12:35 GMT 8
Blind Man & Nuns
Nuns where repainting their chapel. They kept getting paint on their clothes so they decided to remove them, but agreed not to let ANYONE in until they were done and replaced their clothing. Then they heard some one knocking and one of them yelled, "Whooo is it?" ‘‘the blind man!'' He yelled back. They decided since he was blind it would be all right. They opened the door and the man said, ''Nice boobs! Where do you want to put the blinds?"
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Post by rickym on Nov 25, 2005 21:15:48 GMT 8
Mounted Cop
There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ‘‘nice horse you got their sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.
the little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''
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Post by rickym on Nov 25, 2005 21:24:37 GMT 8
Elementary, My Dear Erap
FVR and Erap go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, FVR wakes his stupidl friend.
''Erap, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.''
Erap replies, ''I see millions of stars.''
‘‘what does that tell you?''
Erap ponders for a minute. ''Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. im not stupid u know...NOW What does it tell you?''
FVR is silent for a moment, and then speaks. ''Erap, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.''
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Post by rickym on Nov 25, 2005 21:26:53 GMT 8
Big Boss Man
when the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss. the brain said, '' i should be boss because i control the whole body's responses and functions.'' the feet said, '' we should be boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.'' the hands said, '' we should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.'' and so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a****** spoke up. all the parts laughed at the idea of the a****** being the boss. so the a****** went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. eventually they all decided that the a****** should be the boss, so the motion was passed. all the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the s***! moral of the story: you don't need brains to be a boss - any a****** will do.
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Post by rickym on Nov 25, 2005 21:30:20 GMT 8
CAREFUL WHEN U SEND FLOWERS
I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Boracay for a job promotion. I also sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend.
The Flower Shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the card to the guy who was moving that said, ''RIP'',
and sent the card to the funeral home that said, ''I know it's hot where you're going, but you deserve it.''
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Post by rickym on Nov 25, 2005 21:47:59 GMT 8
Whose Son is He?
About 6 years ago, Erap was visiting FVR at malacanang palace. When he got him alone for a moment, he said to FVR, ''Abe, can you help me with a problem? I have some doubts about one of the key people under me. How do you decide that someone is smart enough to work for you?''
''Well, I was in military and i knows that very well, when interviewing Joe De Venecia as my cabinet member, I asked him, 'Joe, who is the son of your father but not your brother?'''
‘‘what did he say?'' Erap asked.
''He said, 'that's me,' so I hired JOE DE VENECIA.'' Erap patted FVR on the shoulder. ''Thanks, Abe. That's a great idea.''
As soon as he got back to his office, Erap called Jinggoy over to his office.
''Jinggoy,'' he said, ''I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father but not your brother?''
Jinggoy looked rather puzzled. ''Can I get back to you on that in 24 hours, Mr. vice President?'' He was very troubled by this question.
He kept thinking about it and thinking about it, but couldn't get anywhere.
Finally, the thought struck him, ''I'll ask JV. He's a smart guy.''
Jinggoy called JV on the phone.
''JV, I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?''
''That would be me,'' JV replied. Jinngoy broke into a big smile.
''Thanks, brad. You've helped me out big time.'' He went running to his father office and burst into the Oval Office. ''Mr. Vice - President, I have the answer!''
''Okay, Jinggoy. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?'' ''It's my brother JV!'' Jinggoy said .
''No,'' said Erap.
''It's Joe De Venecia.''
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Post by rickym on Nov 25, 2005 21:51:33 GMT 8
The Pirate
A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eye patch went to apply to be a pirate.
Interviewer: How did you get that peg leg? Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the First World War. Interviewer: How did you get that hook? Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife. Interviewer: What about your eye patch? Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye. Interviewer: And that put your eye out? Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hooks.
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Post by rickym on Nov 25, 2005 21:53:48 GMT 8
Slightly Used Car
A woman offered a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten pesos. A man answered the ad, but he was slightly disbelieving. ''What's the gimmick?'' he inquired. ''No gimmick,'' the woman answered. ''My husband died, and in his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary.''
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Post by rickym on Nov 25, 2005 21:55:57 GMT 8
Fascinating
A teacher asks her class of 3rd graders to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. She calls on a small boy sitting in the front row. "I saw an air show. And it was very fascinating." "Good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating.'" She then calls on a girl sitting off to the left. "I saw some monkeys. They were very fascinating." "Good, but I wanted you to use the world 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating.'" Billy's hand shoots up into the air and she calls on him. "Teacher, teacher! I got one!" "Go ahead, Billy." "My sister's shirt has ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fascinate."
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Post by rickym on Nov 30, 2005 12:29:29 GMT 8
Teacher: When you yawn, your supposed to put your hand to your mouth ! Pupil: What ?, and get bitten ! Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing ? Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening !
Why were you late ? Sorry, teacher, I overslept. You mean you need to sleep at home too !
Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it ? Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me ?
Son: I can't go to school today. Father: Why not ? Son: I don't feel well Teacher: Where don't you feel well ? Son: In school !
Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you ? Pupil: Not very much !
Father: I hear you skipped school to play football Son: No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it !
Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today. School Secretary: Who is this ? Pupil: This is my father speaking !
Father: How do you like going to school ? Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between !
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Post by rickym on Nov 30, 2005 12:32:24 GMT 8
Dating A Dentist
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"
The girl says, "Easy... you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist... How did you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy... I didn't feel a thing!"
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Post by rickym on Nov 30, 2005 12:34:21 GMT 8
Train Delay
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the btch in the kitchen."
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Post by rickym on Nov 30, 2005 12:39:09 GMT 8
Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The lespu said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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Post by rickym on Nov 30, 2005 12:41:21 GMT 8
Understand My Needs
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."
The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife: "We 'll take all three of them". Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says "you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'
The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "
The husband says, "no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff. I just wanted you to hold it for a while". The wife face goes blank, and she is about to explode. When the husband sees that he says: "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!".
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Post by rickym on Nov 30, 2005 12:54:52 GMT 8
Sensitive Guy
Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bill says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I`ll do it." 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.
Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve`s wife gave it to me."
"That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
Bill says,"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve`s widow.`"
She said, "`No, I`m not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
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