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Post by rickym on Nov 30, 2005 12:59:29 GMT 8
Sport Teams
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."
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Post by rickym on Nov 30, 2005 13:11:43 GMT 8
Religious Tits
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife'
'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?'
'Look Around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,' replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?'
Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?'
The lady responded 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
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Post by rickym on Nov 30, 2005 13:14:39 GMT 8
Cheating Wife
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how the doctor came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thingfor me, to save my l ife. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"
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Post by rickym on Nov 30, 2005 13:15:45 GMT 8
Riding With An Indian
A young woman from New York City was driving through a remote part of Oklahoma when her car broke down. An Indian came riding by on horseback and offered to give her a lift to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride into town was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a loud whoop that echoed back from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in Bartlesville, he let her off at the local Phillips 66 service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback."
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Post by rickym on Nov 30, 2005 13:18:37 GMT 8
Italian Virgin
Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. Don't worry Maria,' says the mother. 'Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.'
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.' 'Don't worry, Maria,' says his mother. 'All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs.' 'Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.
'So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot-and-a-half.'
'Stay here and stir the pasta,' says the mother.
'This is a job for Mama!'
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Post by rickym on Nov 30, 2005 13:21:10 GMT 8
Lost Ball
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"
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Post by rickym on Nov 30, 2005 13:22:06 GMT 8
Ugly Boy
A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.
He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
His wife confessed, "Not this time."
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Post by rickym on Nov 30, 2005 13:23:27 GMT 8
Why A Divorce?
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
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Post by rickym on Nov 30, 2005 13:32:11 GMT 8
Cinderella's Wishes
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?' The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.' Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.
Cinderella said 'Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: 'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.'
At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more wish, what shall you have?'
Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. 'I wish you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.' Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular arms.
He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, 'I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?'
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Post by rickym on Nov 30, 2005 13:36:05 GMT 8
The Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town called Weipa. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this,mister! I'm talking to that little prick on your knee."
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Post by rickym on Dec 1, 2005 8:03:21 GMT 8
BAD NEWS: KUMIRIRING ang telepono nang madaling araw.... "Hello, Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, 'yung katiwala niyo sa bahay-bakasyunan niyo." O, Mr. Arnaldo, ikaw pala. Ano't napatawag ka? May problema ba? "Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na namatay ang alaga niyong parrot." "'Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? 'Yung nanalo sa bird show? "Opo, Master Carlos, 'yun na nga po." "Putris ! sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos ko sa ibong 'yon.
Hay, buhay! Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay niya?" "E, kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne...." "Bulok na karne? At sino namang salbaheng tao ang nagpakain sa kanya ng bulok na karne?" "W-Wala po. Nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patay na kabayo." "Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Mr Arnaldo?" "E, 'yun pung mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir. Namatay po kasi lahat sila sa pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig." "Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anong kariton ng tubbbiiiiggggg?" "'Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog."
"Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman 'yang pinagsasasabi mo?" "'Yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay niyo.... Tumumba po 'yung isang nakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab 'yung kurtina at mabilis na kumalat ang apoy...." "Ano? Puuut.... E, may kuryente naman diyan sa bahay-bakasyunan, a. Para saan 'yung kandila?" "Para sa burol po." "Ano? Kaninong burol? "Sa nanay n'yo po, Sir. Bigla kasi siya dumating dito nu'ng isang gabi, walang kaabi-abiso. Lampas hatinggabi na.
Akala ko po magnanakaw. Binaril ko."
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Post by rob on Dec 1, 2005 14:42:26 GMT 8
busy busy work never ends until my office mate shares me this message she got from another friend who works in a not so buzy place. hmm. Saan kay ito? makapag-apply nga. anyway to all the men who can relate, enjoy.. women enjoy your men!
Dear Tech Support: Five years ago I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began with unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all my other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Night ride 10.3, Party 5.0, Drinking-and-Gimmicks 7.5, and travel 3.6 can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run and these were my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0, but the uninstall doesn't seem to work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks, A Troubled User.
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0. It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from your system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command several times before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, one of the best operating systems available, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use can cause the system to launch Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolate 2.5! There is also a new Diamonds 5.0 on the market if all else fails.
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to your operating system.
Best of luck, Tech Support
HAHAHAHA! Baby it's a wired world di ba?
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Post by rickym on Dec 1, 2005 21:42:08 GMT 8
PARROT STRIKES AGAIN
Parrot sa dumadaang guy: PANGEET! PANGEET! PANGEET!
Guy : PAG SINABI MO PA ULI YAN!!!! KAKATAYIN NA KITA!!!!!
THEN NEXT DAY........
PARROT : PSSSSST!!!! PSSSSSSSTT! PSSSSSSST!!!!!
GUY: BAKIT!!!!!
PARROT : (with smile)....ALAM MO NA YUNNN!!!!!!
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Post by vic on Dec 2, 2005 18:15:01 GMT 8
Q and A: What 4 letter word that starts with "F" and ends with "K" and if you can't get one you could use your hands.
Answer: FORK!
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Post by vic on Dec 2, 2005 18:15:45 GMT 8
At a restaurant:
Waiter: What's your order sir?
Customer: I'll have a Swiss steak and French fries.
Waiter: How about you sir? ( asking an old man)
Old Man: Seym also, sweepstakes and first prize.
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Post by vic on Dec 2, 2005 18:16:16 GMT 8
How many times a MAN do sex in his lifetime?
At 20 years old - thrice a night
At 40 - thrice a week
At 50- thrice a month
At 60- thrice a year
At 70- tries very hard
At 80- tries to remember
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Post by vic on Dec 2, 2005 18:16:38 GMT 8
New abbreviations:
AIDS- Acquired Insanity Due to Sex
HIV- Having Intercourse Voluntarily
STD- Sex is Tiring but Delicious.
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Post by vic on Dec 2, 2005 18:17:27 GMT 8
Women's Anatomy
There is a different room for the Women's anatomy: The upper body, w/c is the breast is for: PLAYROOM
The most upper body, w/c is the face is for: SHOWROOM
The middle body, w/c is the stomach is for: STORAGE ROOM
The bottom of the women's body is for: MEN'S ROOM
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Post by vic on Dec 2, 2005 18:18:15 GMT 8
American vs Filipino Names
Leon Mangubat ----- Tiger Woods Rogelio Dagdag ----- Roger Moore
Francisco Portero ----- Frank Porter
Bienvenido Jurado ----- Ben Hur
Juan Tampipi ----- John Samsonite
Restituto Fruto ----- Tutti Frutti
Casimiro Bocaycay ----- Cashmere Boquet
Veneracio de Asis ----- Alzheimer's Disease
Topacio Mamaril ----- Top Gun
Eliuterio Ignacio ----- Electronic Ignition
Juanito Lakarin ----- Johnny Walker
Esteban Pagtakhan ----- Stevie Wonder
Burgos Reyes ----- Burger King
Ligaya Almundo ----- Joy Totheworld
Maria Natividad ----- Mary Christmas
Ligaya Anonuevo ------ Happy NewYear
Federico Hagibis ------ Federal Express
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Post by vic on Dec 2, 2005 18:21:23 GMT 8
GirlsDifferences between girls a
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!
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Post by vic on Dec 2, 2005 18:22:26 GMT 8
too fast, too arrogant
one sunny morning, a japanese decided to travel on different malls in the Philippines. japanese : how long did that Rustan built up?
Taxi driver : 8 months sir.
Japanese : too slow, in japan very very fast, it will only take 6 months.
then they continue to travel...
Japanese : that podium, how long did it take to built up?
Taxi driver : 5 months sir!
Japanese : very very slow, in japan too fast, it will only take 3 months.
upon seeing megamall..
Japanese : how about that building megamall?
Taxi driver: 3 months only sir!
Japanese: what?! it's so slow, in japan very very fast! it will only take 2 months!
The japanese then decided to step down from the cab..
Japanese : how much will im gonna pay?
Taxi driver: P5,000 sir
Japanese : too expensive!
Taxi driver: well sir, this meter was made in japan that's why it count very very fast!
*** Next time be humble***
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Post by vic on Dec 2, 2005 18:24:46 GMT 8
LEGEND OF THE FALSE
ESTIMATED PROTESTERS FROM 1,000 TO 1,000,000 - PROBABLY CLONING. BAYAN - BAGONG ALYANSANG MAGPABAYAD
ANAK PAWIS - NOW AMOY PAWIS
PROTESTS AND RALLIES - NOW PART OF A STUDENT’S CURRICULUM
MIGRANTE, BAYAN MUNA - MIGRANTE, BAYAD KA MUNA (ILLEGAL RECRUITERS)
ANAK BAYAN - ANAK SA BAYAD
GABRIELA - IKAW BA ANG INA? PERO SINO ANG AMA? MARAMI BA SILA?
KAISOG - BOLD (BAKA KAISOG UG BAHO, OR BOLD STAR)
PROMOTION OF CHURCH PEOPLE’S RESPONSE - ANO ITO, “BOXING” PROMOTION OF DON KING?
KASAPATAN - BAKIT MARUMI? OR BAKA KASIPATAN.
PISTON - “ALLIES” OF CARBURETOR, RADIATOR, ROTOR, MOTOR
FR. ROBERT REYES - THE “RUNAWAY” PRIEST
PARTY-LIST REP. TEDDY “CASINO” - THE LOUD MOUTH “HUMAN SLOT MACHINE”
ERAP - ESTRADA “REPLACED” AS PRESIDENT
JINGGOY - ISANG ONG”GOY” (SORRY, I SAMUEL ONG “GUY’)
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Post by vic on Dec 2, 2005 18:26:02 GMT 8
FILIPINO HUMOR
MAN: Doc, help me! Uminom ako ng Baygon! DOC: Bakit, magsu-suicide ka?
MAN: dehins. Nakalunok kasi ako ng buhay na ipis.
DOC: Tanga! Dapat kumain ka na lang ng tsinelas.
----------------------
WIFE: Hudas ka! Lagi kang umuuwing lasing. Naaasar
na tuloy ako sa mukha mo!
HUSBAND: Pero mahal, kung dehins ako lasing, ako
naman ang maaasar sa mukha mo!
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ANAK: 'Nay, pwede na ba akong mag-bra? Kinse anyos
na po ako. Pwede na po ba?
INA: Hoy, Pedro! Tigilan mo nga ako!!!
--------------------
ANAK: Dear Itay, padalhan mo ako ng pera kasi ang
mga damit ko, pinagkakain ng mga daga.
ITAY: Dear Anak, wala akong pera. Kung gusto mo,
meron dito pusa.
------------------------
Ngongo dictionary:
CATTLE - dun nakatira ang printeta at printipe
MELT - yun ang sinusuot sa mewang
EFFORT - dun nagla-land ang efflane
STATUE - ikaw ba yan?
----------------------------
ANAK: 'Tay, anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner?
ITAY: Anak, pag kumain tayo sa labas, Dinner 'yun.
Pag dito tayo kakain ng luto ng Mommy mo, Suffer
yon!
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Post by rickym on Dec 3, 2005 7:18:08 GMT 8
Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Post by rickym on Dec 3, 2005 7:21:21 GMT 8
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These d@mn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
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Post by rickym on Dec 3, 2005 7:22:55 GMT 8
Glad to be drunk A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
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Post by rickym on Dec 3, 2005 7:25:45 GMT 8
Only three doors An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says
'Do Not Disturb'!"
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Post by rickym on Dec 3, 2005 7:27:08 GMT 8
Two zebras pondering Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."
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Post by rickym on Dec 3, 2005 7:29:33 GMT 8
The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her,
"Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!
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Post by rickym on Dec 3, 2005 7:31:10 GMT 8
Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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