roxio
Free Rider
Posts: 305
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Post by roxio on Nov 22, 2005 10:33:12 GMT 8
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks" Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine"
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
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Post by rickym on Nov 23, 2005 12:24:18 GMT 8
Job Fair A jock and a geek applying for the same job. The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."
So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."
The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"
"Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.
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Post by rickym on Nov 23, 2005 12:26:08 GMT 8
Punchlines With Absolutely No Context “No, no, no!” said the penguin, “I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder!” “Surprise! Surprise! That’s not my ear canal either!”
Oh no! The leak is coming from the Global Positioning Satellite System again!
“Mommy Mommy,” Little Johnny replied, “is that why the soufflé is burnt?”
“Tokyo?” Said the nun, “You fool, I said take the hoe!”
And then my dad farted and it smelled and I said to my father you farted and it smelled.
And slowly, the sheep turned to each other and glared silently.
“Whew!” said the blonde, “I thought you meant the vacuum-insulated sealable container with the heat reflective inner surface!”
“No wait, you don’t understand,” said the fat man, “Pop Tarts are a substitute for my mother’s love!”
As they opened the door they realized they were terribly mistaken. The dog was only taking a nap.
“Yeah,” said the Scottsman, “but at least I don’t have a scented hand soap named after ME!”
As she spoke he whirled the egg beater around and yelled “EGG BEATER!”
“Isotope?” He replied, “That’s no isotope!”
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Post by rickym on Nov 23, 2005 12:28:09 GMT 8
Look Out Below! What's green, fuzzy, has 4 legs, and, if it falls out of a tree, can kill you? A pool table.
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Post by rickym on Nov 23, 2005 12:29:08 GMT 8
Shirts Off A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot annouces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Here you go, you crazy btch, iron this."
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Post by rickym on Nov 23, 2005 12:37:55 GMT 8
The Four Ghosts of the Malacanang One night, PGMA is tossing restlessly in her Malacanang bed. She awakens to see Cory Aquino standing by her PGMA asks her, "Cory, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Cory Aquino's advises, and then fades away
The next night, PGMA is astir again, and sees the ghost of Ferdinand Marcos moving through the darkened bedroom. PGMA calls out, " Marcos, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Marcos advises, and dims from sight...
The third night sleep still does not come for PGMA. She awakens to see the ghost of ERAP hovering over his bed. PGMA whispers, "Erap, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," Erap replies and fades into the mist...
PGMA isn't sleeping well the fourth night when she sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of FVR. PGMA pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"
FVR replies, "Go ahead and die!!."
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Post by rickym on Nov 23, 2005 12:40:31 GMT 8
The Praying Parrot A middle aged woman lived alone except for her pet, a male parrot. The woman was very proud of her parrot because it would sit in the bottom of its cage, cross its wings, and pray. She was also a devout church goer and would often brag to the congregation about her faithful parrot. One day the women was boasting about her parrot's prayers. An older gentleman was simply amazed by this. ''I have a female parrot and she's just terrible. My son raised her and all she does is curse. She's the most foul mouthed creature I've ever heard,'' he sighed. ''Maybe if we put my parrot with your parrot he would teach mine how to pray and stop cursing so much.''
The woman readily agreed to this and a few days later the gentleman brought his parrot by. The woman's parrot sat praying in the bottom of the cage as they placed the female inside with him. The parrot instantly stopped praying, hopped up, looked the female over and shouted, ''Hot d@mn!! This is what I've been praying for!!''
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Post by rickym on Nov 23, 2005 12:41:45 GMT 8
Yard Work Sign Language A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can''t find it. He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window like she can''t hear. So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions. ("I need the rake.") She replies by pointing to her eye , grabbing her left breast, slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. The man is confused and runs upstairs. "What? What was that?"
"Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."
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Post by rickym on Nov 23, 2005 12:42:46 GMT 8
Topless Sunbather A woman was staying at a hotel and she decided to go sunbathing on the hotel roof. When she laid down to sun her back, her bikini top fell off. She didn't care so much, though, because nobody ever came up to the roof anyway. Which is why she was surprised when she heard footsteps. It was the maitre'd from the restaurant. "Ma'am," he said, "we were all wondering if you could put your top back on."
"Why? I'm not disturbing anybody."
"Ma'am. You're on the skylight."
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Post by rickym on Nov 23, 2005 12:44:17 GMT 8
Little Johnny's Halloween Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?" "My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.
"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.
"No, said Johnny, but he minded his own freakin' business."
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Post by rickym on Nov 23, 2005 12:49:16 GMT 8
Special Remedy One day a guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc I have these real bad headaches. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have sex with my wife." They both laugh.
A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, "How are you feeling?"
The patient smiles and replies" You were right! I feel so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely home."
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Post by rickym on Nov 23, 2005 12:50:15 GMT 8
Women vs. CD Records CD records are like women. If you handle it gently, it’ll play for you forever. Accidentally scratch once, and you’re screwed for life.
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Post by rickym on Nov 23, 2005 12:54:56 GMT 8
New Priest In Town There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"
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Post by rickym on Nov 23, 2005 12:55:59 GMT 8
You Work for the Government When: * The process becomes more important than the product * You don''t see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about
* You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there
* You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.
* You fly first class across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money
* You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym
* You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms
* You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance. (1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor (2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention
* You''ve sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards
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Post by rickym on Nov 24, 2005 11:45:13 GMT 8
Pharmacist A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he''d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I''m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl''s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
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Post by rickym on Nov 24, 2005 11:47:50 GMT 8
Making a Confession A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting. The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no toilet paper."
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Post by rickym on Nov 24, 2005 11:49:25 GMT 8
Shaky Arms Hotel A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"
The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"
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Post by rickym on Nov 24, 2005 11:50:58 GMT 8
Daddy, What Is Sex? An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She said, ''Daddy, what is sex?''
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees.''
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
Her father said, ''Why did you ask that question, honey?''
She replied, ''Mom told me to tell you that dinner will be ready in just a few sex.''
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Post by rickym on Nov 24, 2005 11:52:09 GMT 8
Make Love Not War An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that." "It's worse than that, father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question ."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
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Post by rickym on Nov 24, 2005 11:53:57 GMT 8
Rooster in His Declining Years An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird. "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself." Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!" So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away. "d@mn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
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Post by rickym on Nov 24, 2005 11:58:09 GMT 8
Mysterious death There was this case in the hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. Why the death? So the doctors decide to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil........ Just when the clock struck 11.... Scroll down for what happened... Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
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Post by rickym on Nov 24, 2005 11:59:16 GMT 8
Blonde haircut A Blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can't take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep in the chair. The barber can't cut her hair correctly with the earphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead. Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said: "Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out..."
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Post by rickym on Nov 24, 2005 12:00:15 GMT 8
Ol' McBlondie A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on, She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. she said to the farmer "If i can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?" "ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright take one" As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back?"
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Post by rickym on Nov 24, 2005 12:00:57 GMT 8
Antique shop Yo' mama so stupid, she walked into an antique shop and asked "What's new?"
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Post by rickym on Nov 24, 2005 12:01:31 GMT 8
Poker animals Q: What animal should you never play cards with?
A: A cheetah!
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Post by rickym on Nov 24, 2005 12:02:24 GMT 8
Man's Best Friend Two guys are looking a dog lick its balls and one says “Man, I wish I could do that.” The other guy says, “Really? I think I’d just pet him first.”
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Post by rickym on Nov 24, 2005 12:03:10 GMT 8
Bill and Hillary Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear. Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field. The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me, I said throw out the first pitch."
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Post by rickym on Nov 24, 2005 12:04:48 GMT 8
Satanic Starbucks A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity. The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"
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Post by rickym on Nov 24, 2005 12:06:14 GMT 8
Bad Food A Doctor was addressing a large audience: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
"Wedding Cake."
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Post by rickym on Nov 24, 2005 12:07:17 GMT 8
Blonde in Pain A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt. The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious.
You''ve just got a broken index finger."
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