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Post by gulliver on Mar 23, 2005 21:30:28 GMT 8
good medicine hehehe....laughter i got this one from my sis-in-law and thought it was really funny...about Filipinos and the US presidency.... This is a pun on our culture but I find this hilarious.... --------
Letterman's Top Ten reasons why there couldn't be a Filipino-American = U.S. President:
10. White House is not big enough for in-laws and extended relatives.
9. Not enough parking spaces at the White House for 2 Honda Civics, Toyota Celica, 1985 Mercedes Benz Diesel, BMW (Big Mean Wife) and MPV (My Pinoy Van).
8. Dignitaries are generally intimidated by eating with their fingers at State dinners.
7. Too many dining rooms in the White House - where will they put the Last Supper picture? You have to have a Last Supper Picture somehow.
6. White House walls are not big enough to hold giant wooden-sthingy and a giant wooden fork.
5. Secret Service Staff won't respond to "psssst, psssst."
4. Secret Service Staff are uncomfortable driving a Presidential Car with a Rosary hanging on the rear view mirror or the statuette of Santo Nino on the dashboard.
3. No budget allocation for purchasing a karaoke machine for every White House room.
2. State Dinners do not allow "Take Home."
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON:
1. AIR FORCE ONE does not allow overweight Balikbayan Boxes.
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Post by jr on Mar 23, 2005 22:26:49 GMT 8
that's a fact and funny ;D ;D ;D ;D.
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Post by weekendrider on Mar 24, 2005 10:23:31 GMT 8
Sali ko.
A Pinoy is having his "SNACK" (bread and ube jam), when an American man, chucking chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Pinoy ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
American: "You Filipino folks eat the whole bread??" Pinoy (in a bad mood): "Of course." American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and export them to the Philippines." The American has a smirk on his face. The Pinoy listens in silence. The American persists: "D'ya eat jelly with the bread??" Pinoy : "Of Course." American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels,seeds, and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and export them to the Philippines . The Pinoy (kind of pissed of) then asks: "Do you have sex in America?" American: "Why? Of course we do", the American says with a big smirk. Pinoy : And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" American: "We throw them away, of course." Pinoy: "In the Philippines, we don't throw them. We put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and export them to America.
;D ;D Baka maban tayo.
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Post by gulliver on Mar 24, 2005 13:44:13 GMT 8
weekendrider,
you top them all! hahahaha...you should post some of those you send us via email, lot of good ones there! ;D ;D ;D
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Post by weekendrider on Mar 24, 2005 14:16:50 GMT 8
Ok gulli, will do. Eto isa pa.
Little TONYO returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father? "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said "6'", replies TONYO. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'" "What's the ####ing difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"
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Post by jr on Mar 24, 2005 22:23:50 GMT 8
weekendrider, you top them all! hahahaha...you should post some of those you send us via email, lot of good ones there! ;D ;D ;D I agree... sometimes I'm laughing by myself with those jokes you sent us. ;D ;D ;D
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Post by mad_doc on May 23, 2005 0:13:45 GMT 8
Here's one for the mentally stable. Answering Machine At A Mental Hospital...not too far from the truth "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline." If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 . If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred, to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice, will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, No one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key, until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."
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Post by cobym on May 24, 2005 4:00:32 GMT 8
bwahahahaha!!!!
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Post by weekendrider on May 25, 2005 11:36:54 GMT 8
Three guys die together and go to heaven.... St Peter says "We only have one rule... don't step on the ducks" They enter heaven and see ducks all over, almost impossible not to step duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw... St Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever" The next day the second guy steps on a duck... Sure enough, St Peter comes with an ugly woman and chains them together.... The third guy is very careful he goes months without stepping on a duck. One day St Peter comes with this gorgeous woman... Blonde, Blue eyed...very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without a word.... He remarks, "I wonder what I did to get this"? She says "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck"
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Post by weekendrider on May 26, 2005 12:24:22 GMT 8
WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon. HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO TO HELL", kaya ito uwi agad ako..
Lasing (takot): may multo sa banyo natin! Wife: ha? Bakit? Lasing: kasi bumubukas yung ilaw pag papasok ako ng banyo eh. Wife: punyeta ka! ikaw pala umiihi sa ref!
1st night lola wear see thru dress, lolo didn't react... 2nd night lola wear t-back, lolo still deadma... 3rd night lola all naked, lolo said "ano yan suot mo, gusot-gusot!!"
DAD: anak, bili mo ko softdrinx ANAK: Coke or pepsi? D: Coke A: Diet or regular? D: regular A: bote o can? D: bote A: 8 oz o litro? D: Punyeta!! tubig na lang! A: viva o wilkins?
AMO: sagutin mo ang telepon inday! INDAY: (baligtad ang hawak) hilo? hilo? AMO: baligtarin mo! INDAY: lohi? lohi? AMO: telepon ang baligtarin mo! INDAY: Puntili, puntili
Juan: bday ng asawa ko Pedro: ano regalo mo? Juan: tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya. P: ano naman sinabi? J: Kahit ano basta may DIAMOND. P: ano binigay mo? J: Baraha.
Pedro: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili ako ng hearing aid. Grabe! ang linaw na ng pandinig ko! Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo? Pedro: Kahapon lang
Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve! Student: That's not true! My dad sez we are descendants of an Ape! Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY!
Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na to, let's make love. Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. maaga pa akong gigising bukas, buti ikaw dehins na.
KRIMINAL1: "Pare, sigurado ka bang dito dadaan yung papatayin natin?" KRIMINAL2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras na tayo dito wala pa rin siya ! Sana naman wlang nangyaring masama sa kanya."
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Post by weekendrider on May 26, 2005 12:36:05 GMT 8
A GIRL'S FIRST TIME!!!! (Assume you are a girl if you are a boy) It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him--he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinkin'? PERVERT
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Post by minotaur on May 27, 2005 20:25:04 GMT 8
That is a fact!
Sorry, wala akong mga jokes to share kaya studies and research on the topic na lang. ;D
A team of University of Maryland School of Medicine researchers, led by Dr. Michael Miller, has recently shown for the first time that laughter is linked to healthy function of blood vessels.
Laughter is the "Best Medicine" for Your Heart By Michelle Weinstein
Can a laugh every day keep the heart attack away? Maybe so.
Laughter, along with an active sense of humor, may help protect you against a heart attack, according to a recent study by cardiologists at the University of Maryland Medical Center in Baltimore. The study, which is the first to indicate that laughter may help prevent heart disease, found that people with heart disease were 40 percent less likely to laugh in a variety of situations compared to people of the same age without heart disease. "The old saying that 'laughter is the best medicine,' definitely appears to be true when it comes to protecting your heart," says Michael Miller, M.D., director of the Center for Preventive Cardiology at the University of Maryland Medical Center and associate professor of medicine at the University of Maryland School of Medicine. "We don't know yet why laughing protects the heart, but we know that mental stress is associated with impairment of the endothelium, the protective barrier lining our blood vessels. This can cause a series of inflammatory reactions that lead to fat and cholesterol build-up in the coronary arteries and ultimately to a heart attack."
In the study, researchers compared the humor responses of 300 people. Half of the participants had either suffered a heart attack or undergone coronary artery bypass surgery. The other 150 did not have heart disease. One questionnaire had a series of multiple-choice answers to find out how much or how little people laughed in certain situations, and the second one used true or false answers to measure anger and hostility.
Miller said that the most significant study finding was that "people with heart disease responded less humorously to everyday life situations." They generally laughed less, even in positive situations, and they displayed more anger and hostility.
"The ability to laugh -- either naturally or as learned behavior -- may have important implications in societies such as the U.S. where heart disease remains the number one killer," says Miller. "We know that exercising, not smoking and eating foods low in saturated fat will reduce the risk of heart disease. Perhaps regular, hearty laughter should be added to the list."
Miller says it may be possible to incorporate laughter into our daily activities, just as we do with other heart-healthy activities, such as taking the stairs instead of the elevator. "We could perhaps read something humorous or watch a funny video and try to find ways to take ourselves less seriously," Miller says. "The recommendation for a healthy heart may one day be exercise, eat right and laugh a few times a day."
In addition to helping your heart, laughter offers other important health benefits. "People become healthier from laughter," observes Judy Goldblum-Carlton, a humor therapist at the University of Maryland Hospital for Children's Division of Pediatric Hematology/Oncology. "It improves circulation. When you laugh heartily, every organ is being massaged including your heart, lungs and digestive system. Headaches can just go away. When you laugh the endorphins released make you feel this elation. It makes those big decisions seem so much less important."
Humor Yourself
So how can you make yourself laugh, even when you're angry or tense? And how can you find ways to improve your sense of humor and add more laughter into your life? Goldblum-Carlton offers the following creative ways to incorporate humor into your everyday routine:
Figure out what tickles your funny bone. "You have to figure out what makes you laugh," says Goldblum-Carlton. Some people like slapstick while others prefer a more intellectual type of humor. "Once you isolate what makes you laugh and what turns your knobs, then you can go out and look for these things."
Rent a funny movie. Goldblum-Carlton suggests videos, like "America's Funniest Home Videos" and others that appeal to a mass audience -- Bill Cosby, Jeff Foxworthy, etc. "Watch videos that have something for everyone."
Add comedy to your commute. Listen to a funny audiotape when driving to relieve road stress and if possible, turn the cell phone off when you're in the car. "The car is a great place to listen to funny stuff because that's where a lot of your tension is," says Goldblum-Carlton.
Start a humor library. Clip funny cartoons, collect calendars, mugs, pictures, funny greeting cards, books, or anything else that makes you laugh. Collect some humorous audio and videotapes. Post those cartoons and calendars on your wall, so you can look at them often for a good laugh.
Laugh with others. People laugh much more often when in groups, says Goldblum-Carlton. So watch a funny movie with some friends and share the laughter. "People laugh more with other people. It gives you permission to laugh."
Find humor in seemingly ordinary, everyday things. Anything from funny road signs to a walking crow to a feeding squirrel can inspire a laugh. "Watching a crow walk is hysterical, and squirrels are natural comedians," observes Goldblum-Carlton. "There is so much funny stuff around you really just have to open your eyes."
Learn the basics of humor. Improve your sense of humor by taking a class. Often, community colleges and elder hostels offer classes on how to tell jokes and improve your sense of humor.
Remember a funny moment. "Start thinking about something funny that happened when you're feeling tense," suggests Goldblum-Carlton. This will ease the tension and help you forget your troubles, at least temporarily.
Laugh at yourself. Tell a funny or embarrassing story about yourself. After all, as Goldblum-Carlton says, "even the most embarrassing situation years from now will be a funny story."
Make fun of your fears. "When you make fun of what frightens you, you get a mastery over it and gain control," notes Goldblum-Carlton.
Act silly. "Let yourself act silly and share it. Get a pair of silly head glasses and put them on," suggests Goldblum-Carlton. "Laughter is contagious. When you're happy and you're laughing it rubs off on people. Everyone can have a sense of humor."
Learn to play. Play with your kids or your pets. Teach Fido or Fluffy some stupid pet tricks. Games are also funny -- Scattegories, Charades, Password -- all of which can bring a laugh.
Visit the zoo and watch the animals, especially the monkeys. "The number one thing that makes people laugh are monkeys. Monkeys are a riot, [and] zoos are great," Goldblum-Carlton says.
Lighten up! You take your life's work seriously, but take yourself a little more lightly. As Goldblum-Carlton puts it: "When you throw your head back and laugh, you're not thinking of anything else. Laughter is the best thing you can do for your health." Finally, just appreciate the importance of laughter. "The most powerful thing we're given is our ability to laugh," Goldblum-Carlton says. "It's our greatest gift, especially if we can laugh at ourselves and not take ourselves so seriously."
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Post by weekendrider on May 28, 2005 8:58:38 GMT 8
In the hospital
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
The second kid replies, "Whoa! Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
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Post by weekendrider on May 29, 2005 7:11:05 GMT 8
Diet
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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Post by minotaur on May 31, 2005 23:02:09 GMT 8
Diet For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. cheers to that! ;D ;D ;D
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Post by weekendrider on Jun 4, 2005 9:04:47 GMT 8
One day, heaven is beginning to fill up (of course due to the population explosion), so St. Peter decides to ask each person a question about the bible before they can enter. Three men stand at the pearly gates, waiting to get into heaven. "How many wise men were there?" St. Peter asks the first man. "Three." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open, and the first man enters.
"How long did the flood last?" St. Peter asks the second man. "Forty days and forty nights." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open and the second man enters. Seeing how easily the first two answered his trivia, St. Peter thinks of a much more difficult question for the third man. Finally, he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam in the Garden?"
The man thinks and thinks, but can't come up with an answer. "Boy, that's a hard one," he finally says.
And the trumpets blow, the gates open, and the last man enters heaven.
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Post by g.b.b on May 24, 2006 6:49:03 GMT 8
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha whew.....i hope im not goin insane...
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Post by mgtimothy on May 24, 2006 15:07:17 GMT 8
@gbb in behalf of all the new members who haven't seen this thread yet, thanks for pulling this up ^_^ weekendrider why did this stop? send us more!
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